im the PRINCESS that's why

2008-02-17T21:04:00.000+08:00

MOVED.

ASK.

2008-01-29T23:19:00.000+08:00

; i want to hold you till i die
till we both break down and cry
i want to hold you till the fear in me subsides

im sorry about what happened in school today. sorry for worrying you guys im really quite. alright now. (and thank you shao. for a shoulder that's never failed me before.) maybe i really have been bottling things up abit too long. too much. whatever. was a horrible place for it to all get out anyway. haha. sighs.

; slow down. this night's a perfect shade of dark blue

i need to stop wishing i could have the things that i know i cant possibly have. even if somehow. sometimes. it seems like its possible. because deep down inside you know its not. and if i stay in my dream any longer im the only one who ends up being hurt anyway.

i wish you knew you're messing me up. i wish i could say something to you. that might just let you. know that you are.

i wish i was more expressive. where is that lit skill man. damn. oh yeah. and im starting to talk like hwach guys. T_T it kind of scares me. gee. now i use IMBA. and GG. which is wrong. completely. mrlee would be so disappointed. rawr. again, where is that lit skill. damn.

; i miss you. dammit.
; you call me up, because you know i'll be there.

2008-01-27T20:27:00.000+08:00

; i'd rather hurt you honestly than mislead you with a lie.

i should be doing math tutorials. oops.

2008-01-21T21:11:00.000+08:00

; sometimes when you feel like breaking down.

im awful tired.

and i wish you would just let me do my work so i can go sleep.

why is that so hard.

2008-01-20T00:22:00.000+08:00

; and please dont get me rescued.

if what im doing is wrong.

2008-01-18T21:45:00.000+08:00

and when you need someone to ease the pain,
you can lean on me - my love will still remain.

i should go listen to mltr soon.

i admit to being excessively cranky recently. and i wish i wasnt in such a bad mood there really is no reason for it. like. completely.

whatever. i like school i dont mind the lectures i dont like the lecturers i like my classmates i still lovelove og35 i love salt centre but i hate the cca.

yeah. whatever.

i went running today and then i ate 150 calories so i feel unaccomplished. dammit i knew i shouldnt have touched the lays. so not worth it.

but thank you amanda for running with me : D

and jianrui for accompanying me before training : D

and zara for being devastatingly adorable and lovely although almost everyone we saw was like. EH. FAMILY OUTING AH? =.=

but anyway.

okay mltr.

2008-01-12T14:07:00.000+08:00

i miraculously fell asleep doing stuff.
or at least. i played. then leaned against the wall for half a second. and fell asleep.
woke up. felt crappy. shifted to the couch. and fell asleep again.
which just probably means im overtired.
i blame orientation. though i love it very much still.

-rubseyes-

ohwell. i hope i dont sleep during church later. i havent been going much already it would be bad for me to sleep so much some more. heh lol.

rawr. its back to school in a few days im devastated about how my new shoes are so freaking dirty already as a consequence of orientation i should have stuck with my old school shoes all the way [is angry at self]

but anyway i realized ive been so caught up with orientation ive barely had time to think about very many things. and my mum isnt too happy that i havent touched the newspaper for so many days coz i come back so late everynight. im quite sad though. because i dont want my house to become hotel like that. i like my house.

okay i confess i actually want to see the baby who has already learnt how to flip. (:

i honestly want to mop up my msn list anyway. to make space for new people. only i cant even remember which emails are those which arent in use anymore. but its okay for now i dont really need to mop up my msn list that much anyway.

i need to get 1) female stuff. 2) new earrings my second earhole is ready! 3) coloured hair accessories to further flaunt my newfound college freedom to the juniors on the bus.

im kidding. i lost my black ones over orientation. ^^

already i miss jumpstart `08!

2008-01-11T23:56:00.000+08:00

BOOM SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE THE ROOM!

these 8 days of orientation are days that me and many other hwach people wont forget. especially the C1s.

JUMPSTART `08

thank you to the student council. faculty heads, organizing committee. school admin. seniors. yaddayadda.
thank you
- shuoxian and the rest of OG35 for making this such a memorable orientation for me. still LOVE you guys lots and lots.
- senior class 07A10 for welcoming us and buying us pizza and goodies!
- SHENHONG. for choreography which pwned ass.
- JOLENE. MELODY. DEB. MSNG. CLARE and the rest of the banner painting team for an AWESOME 1ST PLACE JOB.
- 08A10!!!! because we are cool LIKE THAT.

i guess i feel quite sorry that today's the lastlast day of orientation. its been. just. exhilarating awesome while it lasted and i dont regret not missing a day of it.

im more than just "a little" tired to go into details now. but c1 orientation - JUMPSTART `08 i guess is an experience i'll never ever ever ever ever forget. because its awesomeness all the way through. from OG games to time attack to classperformance to campfire. everything just screamed awesomeness. and i love HWACH. and 08A10. and ARES.

and the journey's only just begun.

2008-01-06T23:07:00.000+08:00

orientation week isnt all that. >_> as i thought it might be.

and maybe i dont even mind ending at 6 everyday anymore. (except because of class)

but i guess like [nearly] everyone else says. orientation's been a blast. and we all just absolutely love it. at least i know i do.

we had OG barbeque tonight. and random gathering. played water polo and random stuff like that in the pool at jolyn's house. then had a barbeque. and the guys were being nice and kept bringing food over for us. and we girls just sat there. and talked. and food would automatically come from the barbeque pit. ^_^ i didnt think hwach guys could be so gentlemanly. but the guys in my group are really nice and stuff. and eventually they got over playing blackmagic/bluemagic/aroundtheworldin80days/fuzzywuzzy/etcetc. and started telling horror stories. and then racist jokes. and of course truth or dare later at night with questions set by jianrui and jolyn i think. and shuo xian/justin/etc (the other guys) did an absolutely fantastic job of barbequeing. it was better than... usual. everything just tasted so good and ive never felt like eating so so so much before.

so i guess we generally. really had fun.

and i'll be sads when we get into our CTs. coz then we dont get to have as much fun with our OGs as we are having now.

but well i guess currently we all love our OGs and think our own OG is the best so its all better that way. and so OG35 ftw. : D

2008-01-03T23:19:00.000+08:00

; close your eyes and let the love take over

i am only on for a short while...

a very short while.

because i am in severe need of sleep. REALLY.

and my moroccan beef rashes havent died down yet. damn. might be an effect of the grass and mud today i guess but ohwell.

orientation's been fun. and i rather like my og. and we're getting closer and stuff. just too bad this og only lasts till sometime next week before we're allocated to our respective classes ): boo.

but ohwell. it will. be fine. (:

i actually havent found any reason to dislike *certainmember* of my group as someone was ranting about. perhaps i havent known the people in my og well enough to judge. but i guess ive been having a pretty good impression so far? i dunno. time will tell all that needs to be told.

and i dont like judging people before ive met them personally i guess. i hate it when i meet someone and i already think of them a certain way because of *externalimpressions*

okay im tired byebye

2007-12-23T23:53:00.000+08:00

i vaguely recall being supremely annoyed at a member of the public for standing too dangerously close to me on the escalator. and the feeling of blisters on my feet (i didnt find any) as i was walking around taka/wisma for the 3rd time in killer heels.

but of course you made that all disappear.

i had one of the loveliest christmas dinners today.
the food was good. they had turkey. roast beef. cold crab. LOGCAKE! CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN!
the ambience was beautiful. just the sound of forks and knives against glass plates and quiet chatter of other patrons of the restaurant. except for the occasional howl from a little girl.
the service was. great. you didnt have to ask for anything they practically appearrrr at your side. whether to clear the plate or give you an extra utensil or ask if you want more drinks. it was undeniably the best service ive had in awhile.

and the company. (: the company was. lovely. (: especially after everything thats been happening lately. the company just. made it all better. again. the comfort. the laughter. the sulking over nothing at all. and of course the cracking of the cold crab. oh and the exchanging of christmas presents! you are. just. honestly the loveliest i dont know what to say. haha.

i dont know honestly what i would have done lately if you hadnt been by my side helping me and holding me up still. even though i was so mean and grumpy. you're a great guy and i dont deserve all of what you give me. so thank you for giving me so much. we're both afraid of what the new year brings, i know. but we'll face it together. and then it'll be okay. just like we always are in the end.

2007-12-15T23:39:00.000+08:00

i miss you.

and get well soon. ):

2007-12-09T12:22:00.000+08:00

; the skies are a beautiful dark grey.

migoodness i need to do stuff.

1. upload crapload of photos from all over everywhere. cruise;gradnight
2. christmas shoppppping!!! : DDDD tuesdaytuesday.
3. christmas cards. -istryingtothinkofwhattowrite-
4. find stuff to do. lol.

i just watched ratatouille today lol yeahyeah im very lagged but ohwell the vcd just came out latelyyyy so yeah. and its not pirated.

im supposed to go chek jawa later today. and the japan flag came flying bright and early. goodness. dontwantDONTWANTdontwant. ):

KAYWAITLUNCH.

chapter 235: i want to love you.

2007-12-04T22:11:00.000+08:00

i've been dreaming of a true love's kiss.

ohwell. enchanted is pretty nice. and humorous (: brings back memories of the childhood fairytales i once used to religiously believe in lol. ohwell.

tattooist isnt bad either. wasnt really much. horror. mainly gore. since their bodies werent just haemorrhaging the skin was literally splitting open and blood oozed out. and i think for one girl her cornea split open as well. but yeah.

there are some times im torn between what i think i should do. and what i know deep deep down inside i should do. whether i should save my own skin or attempt to save another's.

there are two ways you could think of me. either that i mean well and really do care. or that i am simply jealous and trying to separate people. and if it were you. how would you see me, then?

or perhaps it doesnt even matter at all and im just overreacting.
just, perhaps.

the year's ending. ._. im trying to think of something that would appropriately convey all the things ive felt this year. but i cant find many words. lol. different people gave me different feelings. and taught me different lessons this whole year. well.

you're so far away i dont feel you anymore.
not that i really try, i suppose. and even now i pause for a long while before i can think of something else to say. girl we used to have a story for us both to tell. a friendship that [used to] burst with life, vigour. whatever you might call it. but now its inactive. nearly fading. almost? i dont know. my deepest darkest secrets you dont know anymore. not that you ask. not that id necessarily tell you if you asked. my joys and troubles are not shared with you like besties do. and its the same for you. fate meant for us to meet. but not last. perhaps. nisey once told me. once a best friend. always a best friend. its not true.

its more than just words.
you must have been the one and only person who saw my changes sec one through sec 4. although that doesnt mean you walked me all the way through. whether by chance or by fate that we've come through all that and still end up decently close. i do love you very much. as a friend. and i want to keep our friendship. although i might not be able to. but i guess sometimes you're special like that. perhaps.

lets make today ours.

2007-12-03T21:56:00.000+08:00

alright. after quite a long time i guess im back for a proper post.

cruise/gradnight will probably be on livejournal. for cuts due to imageheavy posts. or maybe not gradnight since i dont have that many photos. we'll see. lol.

but i'll blog about them just. briefly now.

cruise:
lol i cant remember. it was fun i guess. especially having so many cousins there to muck around with. although i swear cruises are designed to cheat us of our money lol they tell parents "dont worry dont worry dont have to prepare your cameras our professional photographers are on hand on help your children take photos (with a very ugly mr bean.)" and then they charge like S$10.30 per photo. lol. yeah. it was. generally fun. although it was a huge cause of the extreme lethargy at work the next few days. sleeping at 2 lol.

gradnight:
haha what else can i say we were all nicely glammed up. and of course hot. the food wasnt all that bad the snails werent all that bad and wolffe is love, as usual. i dont regret going i guess. though i was really tired after that. but yeah. (: it was. fun. and i love 411. and all of you guys. (:

work:

i cant post pictures now because its all with the other counselors so yeah.

facing 100++++++ kids in one room is like. WHOA.
and i was so tired on monday and tuesday and it didnt really help matters.

the shirt they provided was H.U.G.E on me. but its okay we learnt to tie it up and roll up the sleeves lol. it was tomyam maggi for three days till i realized i had an allergy to tomyam. (which i just confirmed yesterday) and so it became chicken maggi instead.

children, as i have found out. eat. in humongous amounts. their breaks were at 11. 1245. 330. and probably more on late days. and some of them could eat a cup of maggi for every single break. like wth. how do you fit all that in your stomach. of course me and the other counselors never got over how cheatmoney the food there was. it was severely overpriced. but the kids bought them anyway.

on thursday a certain male entity got a splinter stuck in his finger. so i had to get it out for him. i couldnt find a needle. so i tried to use a wire-y thread thing. it didnt work. i got a knife. a HUGE kitchen knife. and while in the process of poking the splinter out. the children in the room SCREAMED. yes SCREAMED. so i stopped short. without cutting his finger off. thankfully. and i poked and poked and he went "ow ow ow ow its not working!" until it came out. =.=

i still love kids. although they are scary.
elizabeth. she got attached to me after i made her stop crying on like the first or second day and she went around hugging me and calling me mummy. which was cute but still. lol.
trisha. she got attached to me because of elizabeth. partly anyway. and she jumped on me for piggybacks. oh and joined me in kicking same male entity as mentioned above. and she's very VERY whiny. but i suppose kids are generally like that.
ezra/wilton. the older kids. who call me chiobu everytime they see me. which is quite ^_.
vanness. the little boy who had an infatuation with me. and gave me love letters with hearts on them and made me his girlfriend.
justin. another little boy who apparently had an infatuation with me on the last day of work. he stood at the kitchen window and stayed there for a long time till we shooed him away.

and of course all the lovely lovely counselors i met along the way. nicole. jean. raudah. kim. maryanne. varian. nicole. i forgot alot of the rest. but yeah. them. and of course martin and danny. although it was tiring i lovedddddddd the holiday job ALOTTTTT. and i guess id like to do it again if i ever got the chance. but yeah

okay im tired. hm

and i got my planner! (:

2007-11-28T13:16:00.000+08:00

lol work has been tiring. or at least the accumulation of lack of sleep over nearly 5 days is tiring. lol. but at least i get a break today :)

i slept for nearly 12 hour YAYs. FIRST TIME IN AGES YAYS.

okay anyways work is pretty interesting i guess.
there's a little girl named Elizabeth who's gotten quite attached to me apparently. she hugged me and called me mummy. lol. but given our no open affection policy i had to gently disengage her.
and there's this little boy named Vanness. who has apparently fallen in love with me. hes about 5. instead of drawing cartoons he wasted paper drawing round hearts for me. i got 8 love letters from him. plus an aeroplane. and subsequently he kept following me around and dragging me next to him to sit down. gee.
and there's this. not so little boys, Wilton and Ezra. about 14 years old. who kept asking me why i look so familiar. as if i would know why. =.= and they said it was a compliment. and forevermore when they saw me around after that they called me chiobu. which im not sure is too good since im a counselor gee.

i have charm. i swear.

lol but maybe since im not working today they'll get attached to another counselor or something which is fine by me since they're all really scary. especially the little boy my goodness. he has a devastating smile and very cute cheeks. but abit young heh. he smiled sweetly at me and said "then you be my girlfriend." and took my arm and put it around his shoulder so i was like freakoutandrunaway.

awk. im hungry hmm.

2007-11-25T14:06:00.000+08:00

awk. i dont believe this.

i just disembarked from ss virgo about like. 2 hours ago.
i have a headache.
and a mild neck sprain.
i am exhausted from sleeping at 2 last night.
and i am suffering from a severe appetite loss since breakfast today.

and i am going to work in about half an hour.

no. NO. i dont have the energy for this sighs T_T

sighs but i have to. and of course i think im going to sleep at 9 tonight so i have enough energy for work and gradnight tomorrow. -heavysigh- lol. well.

i took about 200 pictures at cruise over 3 days and i think alot of stupid ones towards the end and stuff. but yeah. i haven't any energy to blog about that now TOOTIRED. T_T but i'll get around to it. (: eventually (: i think (: maybe on livejournal though coz blogger doesnt have cuts and the picture adding part frustrates me to hell.
so yea.

workwork.

2007-11-22T22:50:00.000+08:00

as if i dont go on hiatus enough lol.

anyway 3 day hiatus im on cruise till sunday morning lol then i'll have work till sunday evening lol and then we'll see about grad night.

miss me, you.

chapter 247: because there's tomorrow.

2007-11-20T13:21:00.000+08:00

tagreplies first.

louise - i still honestly dont know i think i will. i might. but like i was telling lynette i need like 2 hours ++ to glam up i cant bring myself to bathe and go lol. and i need to FIND DRESS. T_T my flexibility hasnt made much improvement though. adwyn takes pleasure in laughing at me.

amanda - refer up. YAY PRESENT YAY JIEJIE AWESOMEZZZZ.

shao - i am not a hyperactivepsychobunny. and i have no intention of internally combusting i assure you. GEEZ. i have my "bum around" times too prz.

; i prefer not to be rescued.

baby is starting to respond more. and hes a greedy little boy. whenever we use the pillow to hold his hands down he'll lift it so that he can put it in his mouth. GREEDY. but ohhhh still so adorable :D and he's been talking to me. or at least my grandma says so. and he looks so adorable when he smiles (:

i want to lie down somewhere and fall asleep. gee

im tired. i have to plan kr. i have to find something i cant even remember what i have to do some other stuff.

but atleast im decently happy. (:

chapter 246: because im living for you and for me.

2007-11-16T13:20:00.000+08:00

; only if you think its worth it.

lulz. im going cruising next friday lulzlulz. and im still trying to decide whether to go for gradnight or not arrrr. because looking at pictures from rgs' fma makes me want to be pretty with my friends for the last night. and i know we already had LSC to look pretty but like. last time. or something i dont know arrrrr GOD GIVE ME A SIGN ):

i hate having to make decisions.

wells if i really want to go i have completely got to find my dress REALLY soon.

kaykay ive gotta start making lists or else my life is going to be one big huge large mess.

1. dig out photos of old schoolmates
-particularly flapping ones
-girlfriends of friendsfriendsfriends. whatever.

2. draw out the reading thing for little dannon dear.
okay so he still doesnt like me and screams and cries alot when he's cross. and so basically everyone gives in to him and does whatever he wants. but you know he's still my youngest cousin (as of now) and i lovelove him alot so i will go library later and borrow books. on how to teach kids.

3. get a freaking planner.
ive been to popularborders. and i cant find any nice ones. i got nice one from borders las year but they havent any nice ones anymore! ))))))): i will hit taka when i next have time and hope i find something if not i'll never get around to plannng my next year.

4. BRACES.
my dentist says they'll be off before cny next year YAYZ. : DDDDDDDDDDD

5. christmas present shopping!
hmm which means a list of people to get christmas presents for. haha probably nothing expensive (im going broke in any case) just like something. for people who are special to me. maybe a little more expensive for -some- other people. but yeah well.

6. INCREASE. FLEXIBILITY.

okay i will stop here and add on again when i think of stuffs to do. for some reason im starting to dislike sitting around doing nothing at all. it frustrates me. like. alot. arrr.

2007-11-14T13:52:00.000+08:00

i want to finish reading my michael crichtons by the time school reopens. which is quite not-likely because like you know. EXPENSIVE. but im very very happy already that adwyn helped me get my first (and favourite) crichton book from somewhere when i couldnt find it anywhere lol. so prey is done. and andromeda strain and stateoffear/terminal man is next. he must be the only scifi/thriller author i actually enjoy hm.

right anyway. the baby doesnt like me anymore coz he hardly sees me so i dont get to carry him much because he's crying alot. and he cant recognize my carrying style so he cries. so im sad. ):
but its okay. I FORGIVE HIM.

lulz.

2007-11-13T22:37:00.000+08:00

; once upon december...

welcome back japan people! :DDDDD

today turned out pretty good i guess. even though there was like. REALLYLITTLE people. ):

kayaking - i thought it ridiculous how we were taking 30 minutes to do a rescue. shao capsized accidentally and for some reason we couldnt get the kayak up to empty water. but i think that was like also partly coz like. deb turned the boat on its side so just MORE WATER WENT IN. and then the boat was almost fully submerged so it was damn heavy. remember. 1litre = 1kilo. so in the end we chased deb back onto her kayak. realized that we were drifting near high ground. made shao get on my kayak. towed me and the submerged kayak further out. did rescue and then finally FINALLLYYYYY did it. =.=

iceskating - my ankle still hurts. im getting better. but very barely. lols. but it was fun, at least. (: though tiring. but i was falling asleep on the train back and i couldnt take it anymore. so like i stopped at tiongbahru sat down and borrowed addie's shoulder to sleep for like 20 minutes. and after that he treated me to dinner (: at thai express. which was quite nice. except i thought the soup was abit too milky.

dance! - it was fun and i met stef. and yeah. i dont regret going back to it. really dont regret (: and of course i had a wonderfully fun companion lolsssss. who helped me to find the building when i got lost for like half an hour around shenton way. ^^ we found it eventually thankfully. and it turned out that i just took one wrong turn. =.=

haha yeah anyways. im quite drained today. working on abit of adrenaline.

but somehow i dont regret like going around singapore the entire day. maybe because like. i dont know. suddenly i want something to do. in fact i want alot of things to do. and its like i have this IM GETTING OLD AMG I WANT TO LEARN AND DO EVERYTHING NOW syndrome. which is kind of bad because like my mom said just now. you cant have your cake and eat it.
because ive been wanting all these things (especially dance) im deprived of my social. networking a fair bit. like how i might not make it to grad night. and class chalet. which is by the way really sad. but i dont know. choices. hm.

but at least im doing what i enjoy, i guess. i think i'll feel like i had a more productive holiday than any other time in my life.

yeah. i guess. im glad i found stuff i wanted to do with my holiday. things i want to learn. so i dont just bum around and waste away again. yes.

and i was awfully depressed today. after ice skating. i was at a toilet at the mrt station. and these two little girls couldnt reach the tap. so the younger one turned to me and said "AUNTIE. ni ke yi bang wo men an ma?" it took me a moment to realize she was ADDRESSING ME K. but at least her sister was like "jiao jiejie la. bu shi auntie!"

lols.

2007-11-12T21:43:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUMMY!
i still lovelove you and i still think you've the bestest mummy evaaaa. and prettiest and loveLOVEliest and i wouldn't want any mummy besides you.

yes okay anyway my mum brought my cousins and me to iceskating then watch movie.

and there were this bunch of eeeediotic little boys (im guessing sec 1/2) who came into the rink and were all showy and well just being asses. and so there was just this ONCE this white shirted guy was skating backwards (you're supposed to go one direction - counterclockwise) and he was being annoying. so i swung to the left and cut into his path while he was approaching and since the fool didnt know how to do emergency brake or emergency turn. he fell. bwahahaha yes the evil huishi shows her true colours. yeah anyway then i went to laugh with my cousin who saw it and knew i was doing it on purpose.

pitza. and then the bee movie. which was rather cute. and we wasted nearly $10 in total attempting one of those grab a toy and chuck it in the empty hole games. but we had fun at it so ohwell. :D

i am excited about tomorrow for various various reasons.
the first reason is kayaking. i need a bikini lolz if not my tan is going to compretely suck.
the second reason is (possibly) ice skating. i get to see people fall down yayz.
and the third reason is dance. :DD dancedancedance. :DD dancedancedance.

2007-11-10T23:01:00.000+08:00

because im not even willing to face the pain.
because im afraid to face it.
because id be alone at night.

crying;

and i am still weak.

sometimes when you're all alone at night. and you're crying. and you just need someone to be there. and to calm you down. you wish the people who said they'd be there were actually there.

and i feel all alone tonight. i really do.
and my heart feels empty.
and broken.

and i want to binge on chocolates. chips. something.

but i cant even bear to eat special swiss chocolates. because. just because.

i'll be up when the first light of dawn appears.

2007-11-09T21:20:00.000+08:00

LOLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

okay apparently juns korkor and even addie has been wondering about my sanity since ive been "lolllll-ing" so much but LOL its just a sudden attraction to acronyms. like. LOL. ILU. :D you get the picture.

quite a few things have been going my way lately. so i guess im still quite happy haha (:

IM GOING TA WORK. :P dont have to ask how long im going to work where im going to work yadda yadda. i might not be going for grad night. yes. no chance to see me in pretty dress anymore. ):

nrhh. (: last day of kayaking today! it was reallyreally fun and stuff even though my arms were aching and i had IT. yes the fatal blood red IT. and we had to test pfds and then we played captains ball in the water so yeah. I GOT INTO THE WATER (and it was squelchy and gross.) but anyway. i burnt my head. the top of my head where my hair parting is. and yes its red and it hurts. ive grown abit tanner the past few days and quite kayak-high. and that is despite the fact that i have a bruise on the left side of my head coz some random person whacked me there with the paddle. by accident of course. but yeah ohwell. me and deb and claire and joelynn are all considering taking 2-star. and deb and i says we will do it together someday (:

i feel like doing a million things during this holiday (: haha want to learn a million things and do a million things but :D haha i dont have so much time BUT STILL oh gee haha. ohwell.

yes and anyway i want to do NYAA Gold Award. because im wanting to learn a million things now and since i am like i can conveniently go do NYAA although i cant really remember what is required for the random stuffes.

LOLS.

2007-11-04T20:51:00.000+08:00

right. anyway. i have alot of stuff that i want to complain about. and random stuff as well so yeah. this (could be) a long post.

i dont like how things from the past come back to haunt you sometimes. i dont like how you must talkkk so much and be just as much a bimbo ~~and .....~~ that she used to be but i guess i cant say all that much so i wont say it but i wish you wouldnt talk so much i dont see how its your business really.

arrrr. stcf is the bane of my existence. i dont really even care about it anymore. first of all because everything is utter crap and nothing is moving along. it is just an avenue for mass flirting i swear. or at least thats the impression i got from the ONE and ONLY meeting we had. and well the tags on the tagboard arent wrong. we're gonna be gearing up for jc/ib life not long after o levels end. and transiting into jc is not easy either. who's gonna sacrifice orientation and other activities for stcf. its not worth it. and of course you can have people to believe in like our beloved project head. but his bulldozing tactics are not going down very well with me. you have got to put us aboce yourself if you want success... free yourselves. k. but. whatever. go away. obviously you can say that you fix all the dates without consulting others i dont see how your schedule can be severely disrupted since you can plan it to fit your schedule. and of course i still dont see how "shut up and drive" and short red skirts for dances is "okay" since the place we're hosting it is like. a "christian" school. i dont get it. whatever. cant argue since all the biggies at the top are making decisions anyway.

booo.

2007-11-01T23:13:00.000+08:00

and it always. always happens.

and the scary part is that i really dont care anymore. that im so used to it i dont care anymore.
dont care to fight for what i want. dont care to fight for what i think is better for me.
dont care to do it because i know im going to lose anyway.
i lost once. and im just going to lose again. i know.

i'll stop feeling disappointed one day.

doesnt really matter anymore.

2007-10-31T23:21:00.000+08:00

; your eyes are the brightest of all the colours

thank you for staying by my side through everything that's happened. maybe you dont even know it. but you're my strength through everything that's happened. because you do the silliest craziest things for me. things that i remember whenever im sad. whenever im hurt. whenever its empty inside.

and then it gets all better.

; when its just me and you
who knows what we could do.

thank you.

coz its all that i can say.

for being there to wipe my tears dry everytime i cry.
for staying up one hour past bedtime to find the code for this so i could put this. not very sekret message.
for the shoulder i always borrow when im exhausted.
for the lunches and time you spend with me though you have other stuff.
even for not telling me you have to be somewhere else. just so you could spend more time with me.
for calming me down. always. always.
for giving me confidence in me. and you. and us.

; but i love you
until the end of time.

tomorrow will be better.

chapter 237: no place like here

2007-10-26T20:25:00.000+08:00

its over. it finally is.
four years of secondary school life. ): im sad.

i didnt cry. the whole day. of course. i felt like tearing a few times but i held it back. it was awful nice. the giving of presents to our teachers (WE NICER THAN 410 WE GIVE TEACHERS LOTS THINGS) the taking of photos. the deciding of who would be the first of what. (like how id be the first taitai) and all that. and oh of course gossiping about people after school...

its been a good four years. haha. and the best of all 311 and 411. and me and noreen were so delighted about making the other teachers jealous that we were giving mrlee a present everyday... haha. i will really miss secondary school life and i guess i hope i dont lose the friends here. really really.

and it was scary seeing mschee cry. okay not really scary. kinda cool actually. but it made me want to cry as well. maybe i'll cry at grad night. just maybe. i dont know. so many things we've left behind. and people. people. most of all. more than anything and everything else. people.

we gossiped alot today! but haha i shall not say more only people at the scene of gossiping shall know. haha. anyway i got taupoked by thedarkside before i left and shao and lynette were bitten and scratched. and char was threatened before i finally got my shoes back so that i could go home. FREAKKKKKS all of you. bahBAHbahbahhhhh

i got a new pencil haha so i am happy haha im going to draw stuff now haha (:

chapter 236: the end of the road

2007-10-25T20:34:00.000+08:00

well tomorrow is the last day in my entire secondary school life. LASSSSSST.

which means the last day of a-kit-a-day plan for our farewell gift for mrlee.
last day of being one 411.
last day of having fun together the way we do. (:

i will miss secondary school life. in some way or the other, i guess. yeah.

YAY411 for first placing in cup today: lynette, yangzi, shao, deb, noreen, michelle. you guys were awesomezzz haha. (:

hmmm i guess its been a good time doing all the funny stuffs for mrlee. although i know i have three stationary casualties since monday. my light blue pen im quite devastated about this one because i really like that pen. and it shows up on both black and white paper. and it wasnt particularly cheap or something. my orange 0.38 uni-ball signo. its okay this one i guess. though im abit sad coz there's still quite ALOT of ink in the pen. ^^ and last and THE MOST XINTONG OF ALL. my grey 0.5 pilor shaker. T_T i dropped my first blue one into sungei buloh and this one shao made me drop when she was grabbing my book now it wont work and i have to go buy it again from somewhere. im really very sad i love my pilot shakers. AND THEY'RE SHIT EXPENSIVE. argh.

hm k sighs. i need to get down to INTENSIVEEEEE mugging for chinese like now. like. NOW. okay im going to do like baozhangbaodao. (:

yes but anyway. my arm is aching sighs. ): haha anyway have to DOCHINESE.

chapter 234: behind this smile is everything you'll never understand

2007-10-18T22:29:00.000+08:00

because in your eyes i am never anything more than a failure. because in your eyes everyone else means everything else means more than me. because to you i suck. because i can never do things right. because nothing that i do will ever be right.

why. then. did i bother trying. when i knew it wouldnt be enough to you anyway.

i have alot to be sorry for, i suppose. not yet. but soon enough. soon enough. because i cannot handle this myself. because i cannot continue tearing myself apart inside. there'll be nothing of me left.

; there's no place like home.

yeah its true. in a negative sense. there's no place like home. i don't feel the same way any other time besides at home.

; now my heart is empty.

there are a few people i'll never be able to hate. but i'll never be able to love either. ever ever again.

and im sorry. and no matter what happens please remember that. that i am sorry. that i wish i didnt have to do this. that it didnt have to be this way.

; there's an danger in loving somebody too much
and its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust

i love you.

chapter 233: its getting hard to breathe

2007-10-15T22:22:00.000+08:00

; because when i close my eyes and i dont see you there i get so afraid my tears cant stop falling.

well i dont suppose i really have very much to blog about. haha i dont feel like blogging about much anyway except that i have a splitting headache and im in denial about going back to school tomorrow i dont want to go to school tomorrow.

and im crying without even knowing the reason why.

no it isnt really even because of anyone. and well judging by the way im blogging im not particularly emo/depressed. not yet, anyway. or maybe im holding it in in preparation for tomorrow. i dont know.

like when you want to scream but somehow you cant bring yourself too so when it finally comes out it stabs so deep into your heart you feel like you're being ripped apart.

and you guys stop being so mean to poon la k.

chapter 232: when i feel your eyes on me.

2007-10-11T23:06:00.000+08:00

ive learnt that goodbyes will always hurt;
pictures will never replace having been there.
memories good or bad will bring tears;
and words can never replace those feelings.

haha how true. filled with quotes now anyway. i blame fb bumper stickers. ^_^

its hard to watch people change right in front of you;
but the worst part is remembering who they used to be.

dont play games with a girl who can play better!

when you love someone you can tell.
but when you're in love with someone everyone else can tell.

okay i think i should stop this hehheh.

chapter 231: unexplained bitterness

2007-10-09T21:33:00.000+08:00

i dont really know what im being affected about because really there isnt anything to be affected about. all in the past... isnt it? and if i continue this we'll end up somewhere we shouldnt be. unhappy. lost.

why do we keep going back into the darkness of the past and refuse to leave it behind for the light we have now.

; our love would have been all beautiful if not for one mistake; was the mistake mine?

sons and lovers is getting to me. abit too late. but ohwell.

is there any reason i should be feeling this way. when i am. the only one.

i know what i see that takes away the security. but the source is not very reliable because its dated from some time back. so why am i still considering it. its immaterial now.

its just you and me. together.

chapter 230: when we say what we dont mean

2007-10-07T18:04:00.000+08:00

; but when you dont hear my heart screaming the opposite of what i say.

im in a bad mood which is not conducive for long analytical posts. i should blog in better moods. really.

and i want to tell you everything i feel. i wish i could. i wish i wasnt being so cold. i dont mean to make you worry and i dont mean to frustrate you. but when you ask me whats wrong i cant answer you anyway. because i dont know. really.

but oh gloria your little brother's devastatingly adorable too. :D yay we have two little adorable babies and they're both wongs! yay we rule. ok just kidding but babies are so cute i think i get to see dannon again tomorrow. :D

; it doesnt stop the loving.

chapter 229: derelict

2007-10-06T09:56:00.001+08:00

ah. i decided to turn on the title again. ^_^

i fell asleep at 1130 last night in the middle of a conversation. which was really quite ridiculous because ive never fallen asleep at 1130 before. not in front of the comp.

i have taken on the rather wearying task of re reading sons&lovers and analysing it. and well i decided that if i have to continue this i will die from exhaustion of reading the book. not to mention a further two hours of intense math after this.
(well okay perhaps math isnt that intense.)

in any case. i really do still want to see dannon some more. x even though he keeps bawling and wont keep quiet. oh he laughed yesterday though. silent laughter since the only sound he's capable of making is simply to cry.

so anyway. after seeing my grandma fuss around having to 1) take him to the doctor's 2) 'sun' him because he still has jaundice. 3) bathe him while he's bawling his lungs out. 4) change his diapers, i told my grandma i didnt want to conceive anymore. this being only... one day after i decided that babies were the cutest thing on earth and i wanted one in future.

im not too worried though. because i still do love kids very much. and maternal instinct will kick in soon enough. when it has to.

ive been getting abit o.o and otherwise stoned recently. i dont know due to what. probably the exams. worrying about my upcoming papers. even though its the last two papers. and worrying about having my papers returned on thursday/friday. fear of not doing well and disappointing mum and myself. and you i guess to some extent. oh and of course of failing so badly that i get thrown out of hwachong or something to that effect which shao seems to insist is barely possible. but i am. terrified, nonetheless. heh. ohwell. too late for that i guess.

; she epitomizes the physical, and her the emotional;
only when both came together would there be love.

acknowledgment that while purely physical 'love' isnt really love at all, emotional love alone cannot survive.

mm anyway i have to bathe, change, paint my nails and then i have to head out for lunch/tuition soon. (:

there are three kinds of people on earth: those who can count, and those who cant.

2007-10-02T18:07:00.000+08:00

MY COUSINS HAS APPEASED ME.

SAY HI TO DANNONWONG.

i love him already. (:

isnt he adorableadorable?

-sighshappily-

he's depriving me of dinner because him took long to come home. so my maid's taking long to come home too. but you know what. i dont mind taking dinner late just for this little treasure. (:

2007-10-01T20:42:00.000+08:00

today is children's day.
the birthday of my oldest girl cousin - Felicia. HAPPYBIRTHDAY!

AND.

the birthday of my littlest boy cousin who came into the world at approx 3plus this afternoon. (:
his name is Dannon Wong. and he will carry on my grandfather's name because my granddad is the oldest son and my uncle is the only son and he's my uncle's only son.

and i didnt get to see him because im having exams and it apparently badluck to go to the hospital.

but oh... T_T my mom's been making me jealous.
and my maid.

"you dont get to see. ha ha ha."
"oh his eyes! his eyes were roving everywhere! so cute!!!"

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH IM DYING OF ANTICIPATION TO SEE LITTLE DANNONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

but my mummy says its badluck and my granny will probably smack me for being so impatient. and also because its badluck.

I WANT TO SEEE HIMMMMMM. MRHHH.

i imagine that im going to go crazy when i finally see him and take pictures of him till he cries coz he doesnt like the flash. but of course i get to turn off the flash. BUT ARRRRRR
DANNON WHY YOU COME NOW HUH. T_T

T_T -bawls-

2007-09-30T00:16:00.000+08:00

i.

CANNOT.

do.

this.

okay i have to. T_T

sighs. i need to focus more during my paper and stop having organised thoughts only AFTER my paper because that will_not_help.

MRHHH.

too tired to blog.

2007-09-27T22:58:00.000+08:00

... its less than 12 hours to THE EXAM.

i am scared.

no make that.

i am VERY scared.

but at least i have a weekend of the MUCH SCARIER subjects.

like CHEM and BIO. and MATH.

ah sighs.

2007-09-23T16:43:00.000+08:00

; carry my smile in your heart
and it'll cheer you up on a rainy day

;我没有你想像中那么坚强
我只是擅长用微笑去伪装
不是吗?

intensive mugging the whole day is tiring. and causes me to become hungry. which would explain the instant campbell krim ayam (cream of chicken) soup mix i currently have sitting on my table in preparation for VERY intensive mugging over the next few days. but i really have no intention of growing fat because of exams so i insisted on going for gym tomorrow anyway. (:

my mom is interesting though. this is the only period she says "if you want to sleep then go sleep la!" and "stop studying and relax like awhile. go and jump on the skipping rope or something." because normally she's like. WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING HUHHUH.

but anyway ive been relieving stress by sleeping, playing piano eating and sleeping some more. hehheh. (:

and i understand chem! because i have a VERY VERY AWESOME chem tutor, last minute though it may be. but i really hope i can absorbbb everything by the time exams come sighs. ohwell.

hm life is so boring there's nothing else to blog about. ohwell.

2007-09-19T22:37:00.000+08:00

WHEN I AM STRESSED; I BITE.

bio+chem is like shiz tonight please i feel barely alive. I AM FREAKING ILL PREPARED IM GOING TA FAIL.

okay im just in a generally very lousy mood. coz of mugging. rawrh.

2007-09-15T21:12:00.000+08:00

; but i dont read minds.

how do you know when what you do is right and when its wrong?
or when to do it that makes it right and when it makes it wrong?

i dont know.

i wish i could be actively combusting at the tracks near kap now. but i cant. ): so i am sitting at home ~~wallowing in self pity~~ studying bio. (: haha no lah im not. wallowing in self pity. im quite contented with today i guess. generally. because kr was quite fun. then wandering around with shao was fun too. and then some mean person was sleeping and didnt answer phone/sms so we had to get "ken" to call. which was quite fun actually i was laughing quite hard. silent laughter. and then changing to skirt and wearing the nifty ninety over my shirt. and then changing back to jeans about 10 mins later. and then removing the nifty ninety about 20 mins after i arrived and then just bumming around waiting for people to come.

then shao had to get some stuff from class and because i didnt want to climb into school i waited outside for her. and got wolf whistled by some guy. and i was like. O_O where's shao! omg! and then i got to take the awesome nokia bus thing. and then shao and i almost missed the kap stop. we did something mean at kap and then i had to go off. ): but ohwell i bet they're polluting the air around the tracks now. (:

my mum is finding baby stuff to buy for my soon-to-be-arriving cousin. cantwaitcantwait (: i wish i was one year old again and then id get all the cool stuff like baby walkers and stuff like that ^_^

right. anyway kidsread is taking a month break till 20th october because that's the only time we can come back. because for some reason the volunteers are all like. secondary school/jc people (yes what happened to the adults) so we're all in the middle of exams and theres no one to take the class so. what im afraid of is that by the 20th they'll all have forgotten/be too lazy to come then we have to start building up the class size again. sighs.

and i'll be cruising to nowhere from the 16th to the 18th. which means i have to skip kr again rawr. RAWR. and that's gonna be like in the middle of preparations for performance. if performance ever takes place. RAWR. i hate having to skip kr.

and gloria almost killed me today for not remembering to bring my camera coz they all got to do funny stuffs. (: i really have to remember to bring it next time or i will just zi sha anyway.

im still trying to decide on whether i should continue kr or not. i dont know i cant bear to leave the kids and i know it. and i think ruby is absolutely adorable although excessively overdependent on her brother. she wont go anywhere without him! but oh sibling love. (: hm ohwell. we'll see how it goes.

sighs. bioo.

2007-09-14T20:56:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAYYY!

to my cousin LIMINGGGGGG
and to YUECHINNNN.

im unusually high tonight have no idea why.

KR TOMORROW! (:
and zhongqiu. ): so mafan but ohwell i hope it'll be better than last year.

OOH. BIOBIO.

2007-09-13T20:36:00.000+08:00

i had a nice reflective post yesterday about SIL on tuesday.

and then blogger screwed up on me. how convenient. i dont really feel up to typing out another long reflective post about SIL so i shall just save the long, deep thoughts and just say that. it was one of the quietest SILs id ever been to. probably half the audi was in tears. i refrained from crying. but i suppose essentially i thought that. really. there are true heroes amongst us. who would risk their lives and all for us. and well i just. really respect them. yeah.

God Bless all those who died on Sept 11th.

yes anyway. floorball today!
i have no idea why everyone said they felt tremors. i know our class didnt because no one said anything about it. maybe it was the so called stability of the basement carpark or simply just that we were too engrossed in game to notice the earth moving under our feet. ^_. i mean after all to quote chanyi, "the whole of wolffe is on the other side!" and we eventually decided that the 'dark force' was on the other side because we all know wolffe is good at many sporty games. like how they murdered all of us at soccer. three against five some more.

and when i went back to class i found out that hwachong apparently blacked out in the morning. and i was like. oooh its nice and bright here what. hehheh. but ohwell. no one stubbed their foot got hit by a falling cupboard fell down on the sidewalk or anything so we're all safe and good. so no fuss. (:

my teeth are hurting. mawr. i cant bite shao tomorrow.

i have to express some level of disappointment in stcf here. it is just my opinion really so if any very dedicated stcf members happen to read it well dont flame me. i believe in the cause of stcf. it was the reason i joined in the first place. but im beginning to question the feasibility of the massive interschool project. yes, of course. work is done. but how much? i have friends who are members or even vice heads or heads of some comm or the other and they havent been contacted by a single soul yet. im not sure if this is how projects are meant to be run.
the thing is that the blog and perhaps even the entire project seems to have become some avenue for people to carry on their interschool competitions and flaming here. i wont name schools but it isnt that hard to just guess. i dont understand really. you went into the project knowing that you would have to work with people from different schools. even rival schools. given the "unspoken rivalry" between students of certain schools. and if you knew from the beginning that you cant work with people from your rival school then perhaps you shouldnt have joined at all. yes you can keep your dislike for them and their school. no one is saying OKAY YOU HAVE TO LIKE THEM OR WE'LL SHOOT YOU. but why take drag your interschool quarrels into the project? rawr.

besides that's your opinions. flame them all you want on your own blog. personal space. whatever. but is it that hard to keep your individual grievances to yourself and not publicise it and degrade yourself on the project blog.
on a side note. and yes this is directly aimed. i dont see what's so bad about 1-3 guys that you have to insult them. ive met my fair share of silly ones, thats for sure. but that doesnt mean they're ALL like that. i have four korkors from that school alone and i still think they're the awesomest. ever.

anyway id better get back to mugging. 5 bio topics to finish by this week.

2007-09-11T20:16:00.000+08:00

i shouldnt be so happy. im having chinese paper 2 tomorrow and i feel unprepared. but ohwell.

im feeling quite tired tonight because of the late night last night. have to remember to sleep. earlier.

... stupid cousin. but i will do it just to humour her coz i always never do stuff for her anyways.

List out your top 5 birthday presents you wish for :

1. my birthday is over. i will tell you around april next year

2. refer up

3. refer up

4. refer up

5. refer up

Answer the following questions :

- The person who tagged you was..

Priscilla

- Your relationship with her is?

"stupid cousin". okay lah she's my... biaomei. two years younger than me. silly, tiny and cute. sometimes.

- Your five impressions of her.

1. small

2. ~~small~~ tiny

3. blur pok

4. um. quite hardworking

5. scared of alot of things

- The most memorable thing she did for you.

um. send me songs.

- The most memorable words she'd said to you.

..... UH. cant remember anything particularly significant. um. WO BU YAO.

- If she becomes your lover, you will?

thats kind of REALLY SCARY.

- If she becomes your lover, things she will have to improve on will be?

grow taller become abit more mature talk less crap more sense etcccc... (:

- If she becomes your enemy, you will?

laugh at her.

- If she becomes your enemy, the reason will be?

haha no reason for her to become my enemy really.

- The most desired thing you want to do for her is?

whack her head.

- Your overall impression of her is?

cute. but silly.

- How do you think people around you will feel about you?

EMOKID!

- On the contrary, the character you hate about yourself is?

EMOKID!

- The most ideal person you want to be with is?

DONT TELL YOU. (:

- For people who care & like you, say something to them?

ive said everything i wanted to say to most of you guys i think.

- Pass this quiz to 10 people that you wish to know how they feel about you

IM NOT GOING TO DO THIS PART.

kay

because love doesnt care when it dies... only that it had a chance to live.

perhaps i should be thankful for that.

Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results

Warmth		78%
Intellect		46%
Emotional Stability		50%
Aggressiveness		46%
Liveliness		58%
Dutifulness		58%
Social Assertiveness		54%
Sensitivity		74%
Paranoia		50%
Abstractness		74%
Introversion		46%
Anxiety		74%
Openmindedness		58%
Independence		66%
Perfectionism		42%
Tension		54%

Take Cattell 16 Factor Test (similar to 16pf)
personality tests by similarminds.com

haha hmmm. your take on the results?

warmth... i think i can agree with. intellect. hehheh. i dont like thinking. emotional stability should be lower i think. aggressiveness. hehheh i think shao would disagree. liveliness... depends, really. dutifulness. quite. social assertiveness. i think so. sensitivity. completely true. paranoia. seems fine. abstractness. seems fine. introversion... i have no idea. im quite different with people i know, people i trust and complete strangers. anxiety. yep. completely. openmindedness i think. could be more. independence... no idea, really. perfectionism - again, depends. tension... maybe higher?

haha cherm i blame you i should be studying chinese. but well im unmotivated and tired. i want to sleep.

2007-09-10T19:43:00.000+08:00

i am very very very very very tired.

because i ran ran all the way from like somerset all the way to the mrt and then all the way from red line to purple line and then up to where my mom was like waiting. and that was after gym mind you. my legs were already breaking from gym. wasnt particularly steady in fact. but i still ran anyway because if i didnt run id be later than ever and then i would like kind of die. but yes well. sighs.

i needs to finish bio by tonight. sighs. and other homework.

haha no actually im feeling quite high/fine today so i guess homework doesnt seem as T_T as it probably would seem on other days. (: i am in a good mood that comes only once in awhile so take advantage of it and ask me for stuff. like chocolate. (thank goodness ITHINK lynette doesnt read my blog)

and okay ~~im trying to find a FF friendly blogskin so i can save everyone the pain of having to go onto IE just to view my blog. (:~~ i found an FF friendly blogskin so now you dont have to specially go on IE just to view it. (: although i dont really like the skin but hey it'll do until... i find a better one. (:

haha because i didnt want anything that explicitly screams LOVE or anything too bright and cutesy. and yes adwyn and junyi are telling me that it's not really my style i know it too give your mei some credit plz. but yes anyway. I WILL CHANGE IT once i have the time to go find more blogskins. but THIS WILL DO FOR NOW KZ.

anyway. i need to do some linking and relinking etcetc. i know its bad when i have to go through adwyn's blog to access like. liann's blog. which doesnt make sense really. coz she's my classmate and VICEPREZ so yes. and i know most people use LJs so no big worry there I HAVE LJ TOO just that it hasnt been updated in a long while. but of course i have no idea if i can link some peoplezzz. like cherm. or something so yes. TAG IF YOU WANT ME TO LINK LA.

haha okays then.

2007-09-09T21:55:00.000+08:00

mm...

"you'll be underestimating me till the day you die, _____________. because you never know what to expect from me. im special and you know it. an i'll keep surprising you till the day you leave me. or the day that i die."

i cant remember exactly how long ago i wrote this. although i know i can get the exact date from my diary. but anyway. whoever i wrote it to is unimportant now. but i think that statement still. stands. sounds so ego "im special". but still. (:

you still havent stopped underestimating me yet. but ive stopped surprising you. because you've left. but there arent regrets to have. just memories in the nighttime we sometimes have to learn to forget.

haha sighs. bio is uncompleted. i am in deeeeeep trouble.

KR. HOW. my goodness. T_T there's no way i can keep going for the next like four weeks before exams are over and people start coming back. but then i have no idea who mdm toh can call to take the kids because most of the adults come like. once in a very long while and never again. which is like. RAWR. irresponsible. sighs.

okay its 1130 an i should sleep. am exhausted and im having bad stuff like. headaches and unexplainable chest pains. which i think basically is an indication that i should be getting sufficient rest before i come down with something bad like during examperiod. so yes.

2007-09-06T21:39:00.000+08:00

one of the most beautiful, most wonderful, and strongest women ever. to me, at least.

grandma! (:

i love you porpor!

yes anyway. (: i have more neoprints but i am not going to put it up for fear of. _________. (:

off to macau tomorrow! make sure you miss me people!

especially you.

2007-09-05T23:06:00.000+08:00

yes okay. adwyn complains that i havent been blogging so here's a proper post after several cryptic/crappy posts.

alright.

teacher's day.
to cut a pretty long story short - it was good.
mr lee and his knee high stripy socks. ms chee and her... was it a leopard print dress? i dont know. but anyway. the wonderful performance by the teachers and of course 409 i loved how they acted out. some teachers. (:

and i got to meet cherm after that of course. and we went to hpps to see jon. haha he's still... devastatingly adorable. as im sure ive mentioned earlier. he couldnt recognize me anymore. but oh he really IS still devastatingly adorable.

yes anyway i kind of followed rachel and cherm around to look for their teachers and then we got stuck for a long time on the... 7th floor? talking to uh. ms ng. i think. with the ac guys trying to mess their teachers up and all the random other people around. bryan said hi. ADWYN DAOED. and yes. i tried to steal rach's phone. but she noticed at like the last last minute and she whacked me so hard i dropped it. =.= and the back and front covers came off. and she couldnt find the front cover which sammi had taken away to hide. so yes.

then went shopping at toys r' us with cherm after that. mm. walked to cine. and then. ah. almost said something i shouldnt have. and then walked around and bumped into adwyn who was buying shoes. haha. yes. but then they all went to watch a movie after that so cherm and i went to take neoprints before she sent me to piano. (:

haha i think ive talked about saturday and kr. but yes anyway.
unexpected stuff happened. which shao was rather smug about i almost smacked her. but then she was on her warpath herself for something that i said. so we left it at that. (:

mmm mondayyy. ah. hairspray was good. (: that is all i will say.

tuesday was. tuition. haha.
today was. work. and of course shopping at popular after that and i bumped into my cousin. T_T"

; just cant deny this feeling

yes anyway. school's starting in a few days. and i'll be away in macau until like 8pm on sunday night. so miss me till then, all you people.

haha. addie, elisha, gloria, (and i hope shao too) HAVE FUN AT KR i will be. uh. WITH YOU GUYS IN SPIRIT! (:

; but then you came along to my surprise.
and stole my heart before my very eyes.

2007-09-03T09:30:00.000+08:00

; i know what it feels like to have to lose someone that way.
although that happened like. four years ago.

i know its easy to say:
dont cry for what's gone now. just treasure the memories you have.
and treasure who you have with you now.

because ever so often. we forget. until we lose someone else again.
but i guess i shall just say -
you know our hearts are with you if you need.
but as long as you remember - dont forget.
that's usually the best we can give. (:

God Bless.

2007-09-02T22:04:00.000+08:00

COZ WE ARE CUTE LIKE THAT!

yeahright. haha no lah. it was fun. and i like our shirts (: although you probably cant see what it says. and we look quite different from last time. but yes anyway.

2007-09-02T21:07:00.000+08:00

; sometimes you realize you arent so alone after all

you're more iffy than me. ive seen you do that who are my true friends and who arent thing alot of times. ^_. and maybe im overreading and that wasnt meant for me. but still - of course, though, id say. true friends = youknowwho huh. (: this is so bitchfighty i never expected it to be with you. but its grossing me out. ew. k should wash hands off it now.

cherm -

1. (the person who tagged you is)
- Chermaineeee. -deathglare-
2. (your relationship with him/her is)
- ganjie/ganmei
3. (5 impressions you have of him/her)
- emokid! okay not really. she's nice she's sweet she goes hyper over cute stuff like dolphins and she's a good friend. yeah.
4. (the most memorable thing he/she has done for you)
- cried with me. i think. about stuff.
5. (the most memorable words he/she has said to you)
- UM. i dont know she says lots of crazy stuff. i remember those better.
6. (if he/she becomes your lover, you will)
- laugh. really hard.
7. (if he/she becomes your lover, things he/she has to improve on will be)
- first she has to go for a sex change op?
8. (if he/she becomes your enemy, you will)
- ah. i will. what can i do prz. dao her lor.
9. (if he/she becomes your enemy, the reason will be)
- how i know! BITCHFIGHT FTW.
10. (the most desirable thing you want to do for him/her now is)
- ~~kissher!~~ no prz. um. go out with her? like. to do random stuff like get gossip from her pri school teacher
11. (your overall impression of him/her is)
- ganmei. sister after my own heart. something like that. although we've changed pretty much la. but that's the general idea.
12. (how you think people around you will feel about you)
- weak/fragile/too nice/evil/venomous animal/ IT REALLY VARIES YOU KNOW. i treat everyone differently.
13. (the characteristic you love about yourself is)
- nothing right now. i used to love the fact that i was quite naive about the ideals of love.
14. (on the contrary, the characteristic you hate about yourself is)
- haha the same as cherm? (being too emotional) and i guess being affected by people leaving.
15. (the most ideal person you want to be is)
- ... maternal grandma. for strength and courage to survive all ordeals.
16. (for people that care and like you, say something to them)
- ~~ILIKEYOUTOO!~~ um. thank you guys so much. i dont know what i would have done without you. (: to quote someone: life would be just. different. in a bad way.
17. (pass this quiz to 10 people that you wish to know how they feel about you)
i shall just fill in names for the fun but ah. you guys dont have to do it. not that you would anyway. but -
1) cherm. 2) shao 3) addie 4) junyi 5) rach 6) char 7) debbie 8) lynette 9) glo 10) eli

(who is no.6 having relationship with?)
- char. CHAR. ... bwahahahahaha ME. no. kidding. i wouldnt know anyway.
(Is no.9 a male or female?)
- glo. female. there was never any doubt.
(If no.7 and 10 are together, will it be a good thing?)
- deb and eli? ah. no. deb has too much artistic temperament. (:
(What is no.2 studying about?)
- shao? ~~she studies?~~ um. she likes art most. and bio.
(When was the last time you had a chat with no.3?)
- addie. verbal chatting - yesterday. non-verbal chatting - about. -checksphone- oh 5 mins ago?
(What kind of music band does no.8 like?)
- lyn. she listens to nearly everything. but im not sure. honest.
(Does no.1 has any siblings?)
- cherm. yes. a very cute brother whom im still quite in love with. jon. (((: he has devastating eyes and a lovely smile and is a humongous flirt though. (: which makes him even cuter.
(Will you woo no.3 =)?)
- haha addiee.... i have a suggestion. why dont you ask him instead.
(How about no.7?)
- deb? oh this one cannot. ~~deb belongs to my bimbo sis.~~
(Is no.4 single?)
- junyi. no he's married to anime. and his mistress is gaming i think.
(What's the surname of no.5?)
- rach. better known as TNGserrr.
(What's the name of no.10?)
- elisha tham jia jun.
(What's the hobby of no.4?)
- juns. anime/gaming.
(Do no.5 and 9 get along well?)
- ah yes i think glo and rach get along quite well.
(Where is no.2 studying at?)
- shaowin!!! one of my dearest confidants obviously NYGH in 411!
(Say something casual about no.1)
- cherm. she used to go for short guys.
(Have you tried developing feelings for no.8?)
- lynette? haha yes i think so.
(Where does no.9 live?)
- glo. tampines i think.
(What color does no.4 like?)
- junyi. black. silver?
(Are no.5 and 1 best friends?)
- cherm and rach? nah. not best friends. friends.
(Does no.7 likes no.2?)
- uhhuh. lets just put it this way. we call them THE deb&shao. youthink?
(How did you get to know no.2?)
- shao? through school. through glo.
(Does no.1 have any pets?)
- cherm? does jon count?
(Is no.7 the sexiest person in the world?)
- DEB! COMPLETELY! and im the hottest girl alive.

YES ANYWAY. (: back to doing other stuff.

2007-09-02T17:45:00.000+08:00

my eyes and head are hurting from the horrid painful headache that comes after you sleep at 1am the previous night and then take a nap with your contact lenses on for an hour or so. rawr.

oh yes.
THANKS FOR THE MP3 LOUISE.
i didnt know you read my blog either! ^^

this is for you, by the way.
i dont know what else to say to you. because you know things have gotten this bad. i never expected it to. but guess what. im done letting you hurt me. whether intentionally or unintentionally. directly or indirectly. i respected you alot and treasured our relationship. but you didnt want it - didnt treasure it. so ok i guess. what else is there to say.
sometimes love just ain't enough -
i dont wanna lose you,
but i dont wanna use you
just to have somebody by my side.
and i dont wanna hate you
i dont wanna take you
but i dont wanna be the one to cry.
that dont really matter to anyone, anymore
but like a fool i keep losing my place
and i keep seeing you walk through that door.

and there's a danger in loving somebody too much
and its sad when you know its your heart you cant trust
there's a reason why people dont stay where they are
baby sometimes love just ain't enough

now i could never change you
i dont wanna blame you
... [too long]
and like a fool who will never see the truth
i keep thinking something's gonna change.

...[and it goes on]

my mom is trying to teach me malay. which is quite fun because they have lines like. ALAMAK! BERUANG HITAM! which by the way means. ALAMAK. BEAR!

something like that i think. haha ohwell. (: i will really try to learn. reallyreally.

im seriously going back to dance after piano stops and after exams. :D
my mommy said okay. haha. yays. i dont think ive ever stopped regretting quitting ballet for ?!@#!? track&field. no offense to track of course. i think its a lovely sport. except that quitting ballet for it completely wasnt worth it.
i guess this is where all the stories of decisions that you regret come from.

but i dont think im going back to ballet anyway. more of latin/ballroom? yeah.

cant wait for tomorrow to come. yes.

2007-09-02T01:09:00.000+08:00

but there's a danger in loving somebody too much

and it's sad when you know its your heart you cant trust

there's a reason why people dont stay where they are

baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

- Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough

oldie, im guessing.
and i really want the mp3. haha. sighs. have to go find it. will be hard, im guessing.
but ohwell.

that's the only thing im afraid of now.

and rawr i didnt expect you to understand. but i didnt expect you to like. jump at me either. present your stand yesyes. present your stand so strongly i suppose. RAWR. dammit.

singPOPera was quite nice! (: i especially loved listening to mai phen rai again after somanyyears! and songs from forbidden city. (:

and kr was. just absolutely 89% love. the kids were the most adorable little things ive ever seen. still are. always were. will always be. though i still insist that they are the cause of me thinking that i dont want a husband and kids in future.

after kr was 110% love! you made up like more than half of it. and then of course the remaining bits teasing/freaking shao out and laughing at elisha and michael's position in the mrt.

but okay i really feel guilty for keeping you up now. so i shall. go sleep. so that i will recover by monday! (:

2007-09-01T18:15:00.000+08:00

kr was fun. :)

and i cant believe it. kind of. but i still love it anyway.
and i hope you do too.

its not really that hard to face you actually. not as hard as i thought it would be. :)

2007-08-31T00:08:00.000+08:00

; and if i made life difficult for you everyday.
would you still love me in every way?

arrr. teacher's day tomorrow.

im actually quite happy tonight.

and i need to put up pictures. hrm.

2007-08-29T21:54:00.001+08:00

; we're after the same rainbow's end
waiting round the bend
my huckleberry friend.
moon river, and me.

i _have_ felt this betrayed before.
and im not afraid. just hurt.

; if i believed you all this while.

but i didnt. thankfully. or it would have felt worse.

its just a start of the things i want to let go of.

; forgive. but dont forget.
once you forget - you hurt yourself all over again.

i will miss you guys so much. you guys were my life. you guys gave me happiness whenever i couldnt find it around me. you guys gave me a reason to live. through all your laughter. your fun. your joy. everything.

and now im choosing to let you go. because you guys hold so many of my memories. memories that i cant bear to keep holding on to. memories that do the opposite of what you do. memories that make me cry. i dont know if i'll ever regret my decision. i think i will. but. well.

but thank you. for everything you guys have given me. even if you didnt know it. you guys. are so. young. and i know. 10 years into the future you probably wont even remember me at all. wont remember everything. and you dont have to know. but when you were young. really young. 4, 5. even 12. you made someone. really happy. you gave her a purpose in life. you gave her happiness. innocence. you gave her life. you gave her everything. and she will never_forget you no matter what.

; thank you, for everything. you gave me what no one else did. you gave me what no one else could.

2007-08-28T23:49:00.000+08:00

I PASSED MY G8 PIANO EXAM.

and i really. love. tonight. most of it, anyway.

i felt. right at home talking to you again. it didnt feel weird. or awkward. or. pressured. just. talking like the way we always used to. and. i love it like this. i dont want it to change - though it probably will. but. at least. for now? and perhaps. i'll want it to change eventually. but not now. just. not now. because this feeling's too... special to let go off. i dont want to let go of it or change it yet.

mm. something ive hoped for a longlong while... but never knew how to. or never. got around to trying to make it happen. it just. happened. and whether i played a part or not. it doesnt really have to matter. it doesnt - matter. im just happy that it happened. i guess. for most of it. (: thank you. the both of you. for making it happen. whether intentionally or not. because he's still kor and you're still my close friend. (:

and. talking to you is starting to regain a sense of... normalcy? or whatever you call it. you respond more, in any case. i feel less like. her case. but even so i promise i'll remember to keep the distance because. well. just_because i know i have to. and i wont forget. but. thank you, anyway. for talking.

and you. you're finally talking again. you dont even know how much of a relief it is to me that you're becoming who i used to know. again. not so dao. not so quiet. not so... reserved. just being the korkor ive always known you to be. its a hugehuge relief. and im just. really really happy about it. really really really.

i guess alot of hings could spoil this moment when im feeling happy and high and exhilarated for the first time in dayyyyys. but all i can say is. that. even if this moment is. spoilt. i guess. im just happy that i had it. to begin with.

ive been sad. but moments like these. make you feel like. maybe you do have a reason to stay, after all. its not a very big reason. or a reason that will last. but above anything else. it is. still. a reason. at least.

there's still stuff in my head, of course. stuff that im thinking of. stuff that i still cant let go of. and they will_ come back to haunt me when this high wears down in about... awhile. or something. but i dont have a right to be thinking what i should i guess. to be feeling what i should. quite. foolish. really. but to all of you who care for me so much. i'll get over it. soon. and i'll be fine.

always am. right?

2007-08-28T18:22:00.000+08:00

; for love.

i realized how much i dislike finding out things from a second party. but ohwell i guess some things arent meant to be told and i should be glad i even found out at all. ^_. i think.

whatever anyway.

i received a note/letter today from an apparently terminally ill person because she sounded so absolute and contrite. and writing a long letter was so out-of-character for her and so i was abit. ?! wtf. about it but yes i read it anyway.

it gave me some sort of inspiration so if any of you receive a letter/note/email soon dont be too surprised.

i took a weight off my mind just today. i guess. in some way or the other. i do wonder if i'll start regretting this choice i made. but well. even if i do. regrets dont change what has been done.

well. i guess that's really all i have to say about today. anything else that i could say is not for public viewing. so i shall... go downstairs and play the piano and hope that it perhaps provides some sort of comfort for the confused mess in what is better known as my heart right now.

; i realized im not only afraid to love.
but also unable to hate.

2007-08-27T22:32:00.000+08:00

; my love for you is an endless chapter,
with every turn of a page it goes deeper and deeper
; my love for you is a journey
starting at forever, and ending at never.

im happy for you, i really am.

and i only wish i could believe in it the way you do.

2007-08-27T19:21:00.000+08:00

; you told her stories of love
and gave her promises you couldnt keep.
but when her tears ran -
her silent cries of anguish
where were you then?

well i have to go study in a few minutes because. well. _because.

soccer is. quite fun i guess. besides the fact that debbie kicked the ball in my face and all of us got totally owned by shao+deb+lyn. it was 3 against 5. that just proves how lose [most of] the rest of the class is at soccer. people like davina and yangzi are exceptions. and of course our shoes became utterly disgustingly filthy. because the field was muddy. so ohwell.

anyway. me and shao went to get a big ass smiley face balloon after school!
we ended up getting alot of other crap because the shop was totally own. (: some of you will find out what we got. but most of you will just. not_know. but its a lovely shop. really really. :D

okay that's all i can blog for now because i have to go study. for awhile, at least. im not sure if i'll be back online tonight. sighs. well.

; if i could choose between life or death,
i would choose death.
not for release.
but so that i appreciate what i have now, sooner.

2007-08-26T20:14:00.000+08:00

my mom made me use a different shampoo tonight. which is supposed to be better for my hair i dont really know it hasnt properly dried yet.

but i think it smells like rubber.

so if you smell my hair tomorrow and it smells like crap. tell me. i wont use that shampoo again.

anyway. i stopped trying to look for an alternative blogskin because blogskins.com is huge. and besides i was sidetracking. what was supposed to be along the lines of bright/classy/elegant became something like bright/loud/bimbotic.

so. we'll have to refresh a few brain cells before resuming search a longlong while later.

nawrr. not much homework i think.

and you. when i see you online i want to scream my frickin lungs out at you for pretending like it didnt matter and then going to talk to the other person involved. if you're going to pretend it doesnt matter. dont ask anyone else about it. go away. like. yes. shoo. why do people like you exist. i shall never talk to you ever again for being such and ass. untrustworthy. but then again you never were trustworthy goodness.

2007-08-26T16:50:00.000+08:00

; i would make my heart a place just for you.

revisionnnn rawrrrr.

i cannot stand another minute of lit i swear. im still okay with bio. but ohgoodness lit. LIT. rawr. lit is disgusting. at least having to file lit is disgusting.

i want to go back to marina square like. nowwww. okay not that urgently. i just feel like going back to that lovely t shirt shop. i love most of what they say. haha. ohwell. i will get around to getting one of those one day. ONE DAY. before the endofyears.

revision is so... rawr. and it makes me hungry. which probably means im going to get fat by the time eoys are over because im eating so much everytime i start revising sighs.

like im having a craving for spaghetti now. so maybe on tuesday instead of staying late in school i will come home to cook spaghetti and cream of mushroom soup for dinner (and get killed by maid for dirtying kitchen.) (: but i will do it. because i mentioned before that i was going to learn cooking. my mom will probably laugh at me or something because 1 she doesnt have to clean the kitchen and 2 she's not obliged to eat it although i bet if i made it specially for her she would feel guilt tripped into eating it all up even if it tasted like crap.

i intend to stick with instant cream of mushroom soup for awhile anyway.

gym/exercise+2.5litresofwater+random healthy food everyday. minus apples. i dont believe in apples because i eat them with salt. but anyway. i need to build back my. health. because its gone from bad to worse over these two years. and i need to build back alot of other stuff along the way as well so i_will. i will do some shopping tomorrow before gym. and probably end up with a gradually increasing number of gay looking boxes under my table. either an increasing number of. or just. one. HUGE. gay looking box. probaby the former. because small gay looking boxes are easier to smuggle home. and besides i can actually ban my mom from looking through specific ones. the problem with them is that i forget what's in which box anyway. but we will find out how to deal with that. but gosh i need a huge box for makeup/nailpolish/otherrelevant stuff. rawr. which means i need to move my box of diaries into the attic store.

anyway. i do want to look for a new blogskin. but i want one with a. cheerier feel.
s' difficult to find a black one with a cheery feel.
i used to love black blogskins for like. mystery/dark/elegant/serenity/masked. and okay fine some emoness. and with black/colour it gives a bursting out of darkness feeling.
yes im selective about my blogskins i dont just pick them because "they're nice"
but i think now im aiming more at finding bright/elegant feel. arrogance, almost. the kind of. glamourgirl feel i think. i thought bright/cutesy was abit out of character for me. but of course some bright/cutesy ones can be quite nice too. but mainly im aiming for bright. unless of course i decide that all the bright ones suck then i'll probably go for something that's a comfortable mix of both.
but no romantic_mushy plastered with "i love you" blogskins.

and probably maybe also something that can't only be viewed in IE. obviously nothing that can only be viewed in FF because i dont even use FF.

my new maid's cooking smells like my paternal grandma's cooking (and by the way when she came she couldnt cook) and my other maid's one smells like my maternal grandma's cooking. i insist that its influence but my mom says all cooking smells the same - so not true.

but anyway. newspaper beckons. back later.

2007-08-25T22:32:00.000+08:00

well i guess the games for kidsread went_fairly_well. although some stations like werent completed. but yeah well. (:

the part where i realized we ran out of sweets was really bad though.

luckily gloria went to candy empire and got me fox's echo earlier. and we had extra lollipops somewhere. so. yes.

well we should think of more games for next week provided_im_going. dont know, really.

gloria's birthday celebration thingy.

the mashed potato looked quite sick when they scooped it into the bowl but it tasted lovelyyy. i even took abit of cheese from the cheese macaroni. and ate some garden pasta. and alotalot of chicken. not that it wasnt nice kenny rogers is perfectly lovely. but just, well.

they ran away after that and denied us B&J. so me, shao, cherm, adwyn, eli and junyi decided to go to marina. eli got his stuff from creative. shao cherm and i went on a hunt for _something_ which we never found but we chanced upon this nice shop where we got presents and all that.

then we went to play pool. junyi went home so it was 3 of us against the 2 guys. and we had a draw. 2-2! (: eli had much tyco-er shots this time compared to lastttt time which was goodness knows how long ago. and i think shao's going to go home and play pool the whole of sunday because she thinks she deproveddd. we still love you shao. (: and although cherm failed physics she still managed to get some angle correct! (:

anyway. after pool we decided to eat fondue! and we kept lighting and blowing out and relighting the candle. haha and then adwyn and eli ordered like. this. iced berry/peach thing which they insist tastes like coloured water. i think it has some flavour. but the flavour doesnt like. linger. it fades off really fast. fondue was lovely though. (: although bananas and other relevant stuff kept dropping in. and eli burnt a marshmallow and shao burnt an apricot. the apricot burning smelt_quite_bad. but then we stuffed it in the chocolate haha.

yes well i guess that's about everything that happened today.

i feel particularly desensitized now. or maybe im just - tired. i dont know. really.

i need to talk to someone. sighs.

to do for weekend:
1. file LIT.
2. file IH. (actually ive got them both filed. but i guess. more in order?)
3. math 10.3
4. study vectors
5. study inheritance
6. remember YDF on thursday afternoon.
7. sign bio test
8. CALL THE FRIGGIN DENTAL OFFICE BEFORE TEETH ROT.

not alot, actually. i feel too free for my own good. im sure i forgot to do something.

; i wish, i knew what to do.

2007-08-23T22:06:00.000+08:00

; maybe i'll never learn to appreciate you till you're gone.
and i'll always hate myself for that.

2007-08-23T19:03:00.000+08:00

; i want to be your friend!

my second little toe is bleeding. ): not too badly, though.

thank you, char.

im not really less confused, i think. because it just keeps coming back.

and i wish it wouldnt.

i wonder. what would happen if. i let go of everything.

they say if its yours it will still come back no matter what.

it will keep coming back. even if. "get out of my life. get your ass off me. just get lost."

you'll still find it back. one day. and by then, maybe -

you are not as - cold, as you think you are.

but why did it have to come back.

i buried it so damn well i almost convinced myself that i forgot about it. that i didnt care anymore. and then it just resurfaced like that. just. bloody_ like that. and it just threw me off balance again. but why after all the effort that i took to bury it. why...?

and now i have to go through it all again just to get it buried again. i need to. split my knuckles breaking down the door or something. i cant keep burying it and having it resurface like that. i will_ die. one day. either from dehydration or pain. this makes my head hurt.

you are turning out every bit the way she said you'd be. every bit. and it just deepens my self-inflicted wound even more. i dont know what to do. every step i take brings me deeper and sticks one knife after another inside me. again. i need to stop tearing myself apart this way. i need to stop putting a knife at my own throat.

is it possible to continue believing in something which has torn you apart over and over and over again?
can i ever believe in it ever again?

nature gives me the peace i need to think.
but brings me tears.
civilisation occupies me and stops me from thinking.
but brings me tears anyway.

and love;
and memories -
tear me apart.

and i want to feel it too.
but i cant -

2007-08-22T15:10:00.000+08:00

chinese prelims in two days. i admit, im scared.
but of course being scared never did anyone any good.

ive asked char the same question over and over again so many times, and i still think that i barely understand why it always ends up the same way anyway. but i guess its a huge part of life that no one can really deny or anything like that. so i will. just. live with it and get by it - just like i always have. and i guess. i always find out over and over again that im so much stronger than i let myself believe i am. although sometimes. just for that moment. but well.

and well, you. i know ive said it like a few times or something. but still, thank you. for making me. how should i say it. face up to what ive avoided for a long while because i was afraid of the pain resurfacing. and it_did_resurface. but it was only. momentary. and it wasnt the heart stabbing kind of pain that you said was like. dementors sucking the happiness out of everything. it was more. of. it kind of passed through halfway. and stopped. yes. so, thank you. because i would never have gotten around to it otherwise.

i do feel quite blessed despite all the shizz thats been going on. because through all that crap that has been happening i have gloria and shao to help me through some of the shiz. thankfully. because i couldnt have handled it all by myself i would just have - died. and of course for being wonderful listeners. there are some people you dont have to be close to, but whom you trust to help you along the way. and there are some people who will always keep coming back no matter how many times they seem to float away.

but of course there are some people who are only meant to be there, then. and not ever again.

losing you is like losing her - i dont feel anything at all.

yesterday was quite a tiring day i guess. lessons and all. and abit of today too. but not. the kind of depressed im-going-to-die kind of tiring.

the first thing i read under message history is: i do believe im getting jealous of cadbury old gold dark chocolate. and the last thing i meant to read was you have to learn it yourself, and im glad you did. me too, really. funny how things can change so much sometimes. but well people change as things change. and because of that ive changed alot. from s1 - s4. emotional wreck to colossal bitch to just being jaded about everything. but hey, who's to say that those changes were bad. (: some people will always be special to you just because they are. and you're one of them. but of course, above anything else. korkor.

rawr. cannot stand it anymore i need to sleep early but then i cant because i have to dowork and do revision and readchinese. and yes i have found something to do for kidsread with some help from gloria. IAMPROUDOFMYSELF yay but it might be a little hard to conduct. and i think id be a little worried about how it'll turn out eventually. but it shouldnt turn out too messy because we're not letting them handle anything although gloria's first reaction to it was. HUH!?

but yes well. HE SHUI. the weather is pretty bad recently and i have to sleep early tonight because there's apparently going to be 1.5 hours of math tomorrow and 2 hours of bio. though bio today was muchly fun because we got to watch some video on animals that have funky adaptations. but there are so many topics i still have yet to studyyyy -panicpanic-

which means i should start now. ):

; coz every moment we share together
was even better than the moment before!

MAYBE, i will try. just maybe. for old times sake.

2007-08-21T18:58:00.000+08:00

; if this were where it ends.

i suppose there seems to be alot to say, but honestly there isnt. nothing worth saying that would make a difference, in any case. this is a game ive played before. and im not afraid to play it again. (yes i treat everything in life as a game hmmm.)

i suppose essentially the only thing that i will bother with saying is that. i didnt do what i did with bad intentions. i dont regret doing what i have done. and that's that. cant really care what you say. cant control what you think. i wont try to change things, or make it better. perhaps because ive learnt that there's no point in trying. whatever emotion it may be. whether hatred, sadness, hurt or misunderstanding. disappointment, betrayal (as you might think it is) and so on. the only person who can let go of that. is ourselves.

i know how you can talk. i know you can build people's impressions against me without intentionally trying to do so. but perhaps, because, my conscience is clear. i dont really care what you say. who you tell. im not afraid of being judged. because those who know me best would know. the truth.

well. (: i rushed to church for awhile just now. to pray, of course. cried abit coz i got messed up and confused about some stuff that's been happening. not about. abovementioned. and not about you. just about other stuff. but no dont worry im not being all OMG DEFENSES DOWN or anything.

again, thank you muchly shao, for having been there. muttermutter- in school i think you're one of the very few people i trust completely. still. despite all the stuff that's happened between us previously. and so thank you for being there, much love to you. (:

i think i should go to church more. its quieter there.

im actually thinking of stuff to do for kr. haha well we'll see how it turns out. (:

2007-08-20T18:21:00.000+08:00

; the way the warmth and love in your hugs

- can make the panic in my heart settle.

yes anyway, my abs are making good progress! (: i am so happys but okay i need to work out my arms and other stuff more now haha. (: but i am generally happy with all the work on my abs.

besides that, i figure i wont be online for most of the night figuring out my revision and panicking about prelims thats coming up in about 4 days time. chinese prelims, anyway. i think ive been generally dissatisfied with myself this term because i havent been doing as well as i would have liked/could have. but i guess. this term's only a small percentage. so i need to work hard for last term and get past this year. which really goes back to the thing about REVISION. like sec 3&4 work. =.= for some subjects, anyway.

i almost fell asleep in lit a couple of times today. which i think is kind of bad because today and tomorrow are considered easy going in comparison with wednesday/thursday. friday's just alright. but i cant wait for saturday to come around! (: KR and gloria's birthday celebration. and i get to see cherm again. and of course. ____. so i guess for saturday and -otherreason- i will endure the rest of the week well. (:

there are some times that you realize that you have so many reasons to keep on living. and no reason to give up at all. that's something that i think i constantly forget. but ohwell. i always remember, eventually. and i cant make this my greatest reason to live, simply because it wouldnt be good to. but this is my greatest reason to smile, everyday that it still is.

thank you, shao and char, for talking to me, letting me fuss. laughing. and so on and so forth. even if i didnt agree with some of the things you said and even if you thought i was a ridiculously dumb git. especially you shao, for talking it through with me and making sense out of some things.

ah yes well anyway.

there's so little homework i feel very very abnormal.

i shall go do math/revision to make myself feel better.

2007-08-19T16:11:00.000+08:00

; tell me where do i find someone like you.

KR yesterday! we have like alot of new kids. and this little girl who can be lengyee's replacement even though lengyee is still 100x cuter. her name is trina. she crawls under the piano and looks somewhere else when you're talking to her. but she's very cute anyway. we really have to plan lessons in advance if not we'll end up feeling blur every week. hence i shall be nice and plan next week's lesson.

ohwell. i guess the last two weeks of school before the september holidays should be quite easygoing and all. except for progress report on the 28th august. -sighs- i suppose i will live through it. eventually how difficult can it be anyway. ive lived through it the past 4 years. and i still will.

i was. wonderfully surprised on saturday. but then i shant tell you what it's about. you will find out, eventually. but anyway.

adwyn finally gave me the 11factories of chocolate that he owes me. (: which means i am going to put on weight over the weekend and lose my abs. but that's okay because the chocolates that he got me are wonderfully delicious cant resist them. haha.

augh my blogposts recently have been so disjointed because it just. is. whatamisaying my goodness. okay. wait. i have to blog more coherently later.

2007-08-17T21:40:00.000+08:00

;how much more obvious do you want it to be!

i made that mistake once; i wont repeat it again.
but how do you know when you're fighting a losing battle?

anyway. i made a trip down to plaza sing today (again.) and i got quite alot of stuff. so i'll see what we can do with the youngones tomorrow. (:

my mom wanted to cab home from toapayoh just now. and so i ended up rather amused because waiting for a cab at 7++ - 8pm is not one of the smartest things a person can choose to do in their lives. she eventually caved and called a cab like alot of people ended up doing. of course she grumbled about the extra charge. but at least we got home earlier. ohwell.

i need to sleep. if not i'll end up all cranky and sleepy tomorrow. which is not ideal when having to deal with kids. so goodnight.

2007-08-16T20:42:00.000+08:00

i am trying to get the complexities of relationships in Howards End out of my mind.

hiding from the rain and snow
trying to forget but i wont let go.

i only ask to know what i am thinking. i wont ask to know what you are thinking. not yet, anyway.

i am thinking of too many things for my own good, i suppose. dont really have the cheer that ive had rather well for the past few days and all. -sighs-

i suppose people say some things just dont last. i utterly hate these games i play with myself.

i cant think of what to type.
my mind's in a mess.
i dont know what to do from here.
i wish you would tell me.
maybe this shouldnt have started
and so maybe.
- it should end.

2007-08-16T19:52:00.000+08:00

; i really want to know, what is it.
and how will this end.
or if it'll even start.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADDIE KORKOR!
sixteen and oldwithblackhair! (:

hmmm. we made slime and superball in chemlab today :D

and then after school i accompanied korkor in his questfora NICETIE.
which was successful in the end. (:

and then purechocolateICEBLENDED from coffeebean.
and korkor had cheesecake. no candles. alot of fat i think. (:
he denies it but well he's working the fat off at the gym like now i think.

and he got his birthday present though i think he feels abit cheated.
but its okay because i am forgiven. (:

so anyway HAPPY 16TH, KORKOR.

ohwell. alot of bioworksheets due tomorrow better do it now. sighs.

if only
- but perhaps it wasnt meant to be.

2007-08-15T19:34:00.000+08:00

; sometimes we don't do the things we want to do,
because we don't want others to know that we want to do it.

today i discovered some things.

01_ i can brisk walk for 45 minutes with my calf muscles screaming murder.
02_ it is perfectly possible to get from toa payoh central to meridien, make a purchase, and be back in 45 minutes. yes, travelling time included.
03_ i have two bruises on my knee.
04_ when you have a cause, you can do anything.

oh and also

05_ if i dont start bio now im screwed.

i am so organized sometimes it gets almost scary. ohwell.

we watched the village today for langarts lecture. and rachel kept screaming (at least she screamed at the appropriate moments) and grabbing my jacket. and eventually resting her head on my shoulder which i dont mind sometimes but HER HAIR IS TICKLISH MIND YOU.

i am on the verge of refusing to dance. although instinct tells me even if i violently protest and scream suicide threats i will still eventually have to dance. i havent seen/talked to/met any of my comm members (besides the ny ones) properly yet and im already thinking of methods/excuses to pon. i dont suppose that's a very good sign but. I WILL STAY FOR THE CAUSE. and endure this.

and noreen bakes nice fudgy stuff. although fattening.
i need to rearrange my file so that its back in order.
i have to get some stuff proper and ready by tonight.
and i love playing games.

take me to your heart sounds like it came from a different world in comparison with MLTR Greatest Hits. maybe i missed reading something on the cover. but thats alright. its soothing anyway.

they say nothing lasts forever
we're only here today
love is now or never
bring me far away

hmmm. i think too much.
and ive been seeing donuts so much recently i feel like eating some.

2007-08-14T19:35:00.000+08:00

; funny how you do everything to get away from a place,
and when you finally get a chance to leave
you find a reason to stay.

well school seemed rather slack today. except IH. which was excruciating. but lets not talk about that.

i was kind of distracted the entire day. but ohwell.

on the other hand, i should try not to sms too much in class because its bad. and i probably got abit of prawn brain fluid on my handphone because i was attempting to pin it down, draw and sms at the same time. T_T prawn brain fluid. sighs.

iwasgoingtotypesomethingtheniforgot.

oh i made a trip down to mwl today! and laughed at people.

and was just happy in general. but you dont have to know what about. really.

ohwell. i should get around to cutting my nails like really soon. because i left it to grow over the long weekend. i have piano at the end of this week. (no idea if i should go for tuition tomorrow or just pon till sunday)

we just keep going around in circles
and it confuses and tires me.
almost, anyway.
if only we were both prepared for what we want.

i have stuff to sort out in this head of mine and math to skip in school tomorrow because of 90th anniversary celebrations. there's KI tomorrow and i havent done my homework yet (small yay)

but i gues tomorrow isnt as bad as it could have been. since we're probably skipping most of math, suffering through bio because of crappy results, confusing ourselves during KI, falling asleep in chem and slouching through assembly.

i think thursday's more heavygoing. besides bio prac being due we have chemlab and 1.5 hours of math, bio and (thankfully) langarts and cme for the periods after lunch. which should perk me up enough for anything after. and addie korkor will turn 16 on that day too. ^_^ he's going to be old with greyhair.

i guess that's about it mylifeisboring. iwanttogosleep.

my cousin's girlfriend sounds so lovesick i dont know what to say. maybe there isnt anything to be said in the first place.

i miss you. i really really do.
ive never missed you this much before.
and you're all i ever wanted.

2007-08-13T18:26:00.000+08:00

and i know i do,
just because.

i am getting traumatised by the word "dodge" now so dont use it please.

2007-08-12T13:57:00.000+08:00

she says that when you feel that silence -
that magical silence.
when the world stops turning for that moment.
and it just you and him.
and everything else just stops for that moment.
and there's nothing weird about it.
just a comfortable, magical silence...

you know that he's the one.

and if you dont take that moment
and throw caution to the wind
and just enjoy every moment of the love you share.

you'll end up a few decades down.
regretting that you didnt treasure it then.
and finally after all the twists and turns.
and broken hearts and failed marriages.

you pick up the pen and paper,
and you'll say:
i tried to do this before but you didnt get the letter.
but my feelings have changed since then -
they have, intensified with each passing day.
and i want to say that, i love you with all my heart.
ive loved you since we were 5 and i pushed you into the mud.
ive loved you since i was 10 and didnt invite you to my birthday party.
ive loved you since we were 16 and you got drunk on your birthday.
ive loved you at all my wedding days and yours,
and i finally understood what i was feeling at yours -
it was jealousy.
and im old now and i am still loving you.
and i will love you for the rest of my days till i die.

and im coming 50 now and i hope that you will still accept me.
because i want to be with you for the rest of my life.

hmmmz. this is. kind of like. ideal love or something.
but well. once they get married all the romance is going to go away and they're going to hate each others guts for the rest of their lives

muahaha.

no lah. love can still be nice i guess. especially if it finds you 50 years late.

2007-08-11T11:52:00.000+08:00

hmmm. ive been projectless for too long.

i think.

i have things i need to do. (not in order of uh. importance?)

1. STCF.

LIKE WT*BEEP* YOU POST ON THE DAMNED THING. AND I DONT VISIT THE DAMNED THING UNLESS IM DAMNED BORED. AND I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO CONTACT MY COMM HEAD AND YOU'RE TELLING ME PROPOSAL SUBMISSION BY SUNDAY. AND ANYWAY. YOU'VE NEVER DONE PROJECT BEFORE OR SOMETHING. WHEN DID PROPOSALS ONLY TAKE THREE DAYS TO DO?!?!?! AUGH.

2. make a trip down to mwl.

i miss the place. and since i can think of a project that i might like to do, i really might as well just do it. i need some distraction from the stress around me anyway.

3. year end revision

at least. ive started. its what im supposed to be doing now but im getting distracted. but nevermind. i'll get to do it once i have stuff sorted out.

4. find a credit card.

for an online purchase you dont need to know what it is.
(MAYBE PORN -GASPGASP-)

5. visit grandma/grandpa

its been so long since ive seen them. really muchmuch too long and i really miss them anyway.

6. GOTOCHURCH.

my goodness. and anyway my dad's been telling me to uh. go to a christian church or something and maybe i will. like. soon. or after exams. or something. soon, anyway.

7. settle all stuff related to KR.

because i never know when i might not be able to go for it anymore.
and i dont want to talk about it. so dont ask.

8. go to the gym

i feel fat i really do. and i havent been workig out my arms properly its just been abs abs and more abs every week. and sometimes legs too lah. but i need to work out upper body as well. sighs.

9. wonder about year end chalet.

judging by yesterday we completely need a POOLZ. and a funky guest list.

10. does anyone want to revive GEP jacket?

but then again we're thinking of so many things to do with our batch hehheh. gepjacketgepyearbooketc. and we never get down to it. ohwell.

k then. perfect 10.

but i have 11.

11. settle anything else to do with yesterdays party

oh you know how i like closure. so just let me.

KING&I TONIGHT IM GOING TO WEAR A DRESS AGAIN SIGHS.

oh.

12. fall in love with you over&over again.

ah. wouldnt you just like to know who with. ;)

which btw i need to clarify. for the sake of my dear rachel (&adwyn). me&adwyn were just pretending yesterday so we could think of a logical excuse as to why he was coming along with us plz. so yes dont think so much into in (in case you are.) we're not dating. he is the ever wonderful korkor and it ends there. (: and we were playful and so we decided to just keep it up for the rest of the night but not really. and i owed him something hence the little walk we took. SO DONT OVERTHINK.

hao de. studystudy.

2007-08-11T00:09:00.000+08:00

and, i realized something today;
when i hugged you -
was that i didnt love you, anymore.
or even. like - you.
not more than i ought to,
at least.

SURPRISE PARTY TODAY! :D

gloria didnt answer her handphone and so they were all messy and disorganized when i came. bleh. :(

but it was fun otherwise.

and adwyn got thrown in first. then eka. and i cant remember the order after that. i just know shao and char and rachel and alot of other people got wet. I JUMPED IN MYSELF! :D they were trying to get shao's phone from me so i struggled and used by 14th placing in xcountry to runrun around and then when i finally got some clearing i put shao's phone down and jumped in. :D hehheh.

and icecream throwing and cakethrowing and all the other stuff like that. it was fun, of course. unbelievably fun. :D

and of course there was this emo session things at night. with people. which was like. a relief. and fun, toos, i guess. and i got some stuff out of my mind, finally - .

and of course, i realized id stopped loving you.

i should have realized it a long time ago. but i suppose i didnt.

and maybe, now that i have...
it's better for both of us.
or at least. it will be.

its a road of twists and turns and no one ever comes out
- alive.

we're all separated by that layer between us.
and we dont know how to. remove it.
and it'll be a barrier between us for a long long while.
maybe... forever?

2007-08-08T14:20:00.000+08:00

happy birthday to my absolutely adorable little bimbo sister (yesterday)

and cross country today.

14th placing for competitive run and i ran with mandyy, glo and char for funrun.

yeah i did the entire length for both. and i was bursting with an overload of adrenaline and joy.

ohwells. (:

no idea what else to say. hm.

how could i have realized only now that ive loved you all this while?

2007-08-04T23:26:00.000+08:00

im trying to understand what i did wrong this time.

im tired. and i really feel like sleeping.

but i have to do work.

i wish i could be less.

less...

afraid?

i guess.

less...

proud?

which is what keeps me from turning to anyone even when i really want to. when i need to.

everyone - comes and goes.

step one you say we need to talk
he walks you say sit down its just a talk.

2007-08-03T23:47:00.000+08:00

; nobody told me it'd feel so good
nobody told me it'd be so beautiful
nobody warned me 'bout your smile.

im awfully tired and i want to sleep. so i should.

dont you understand? i'll never yell at you or get angry at you. no matter what you say. even if you're trying to provoke me. even if you seem to want me to get angry at you. some things just cant be explained.

im feeling that spasm of having lost people again. because of something someone asked. but the spasm didnt stay, thankfully. couldnt afford letting it stay anyway. i cant quite put my finger on what im worried about. cant quite put my finger on what im thinking. i havent the right or reason to feel the way i do, but it doesnt stop me from feeling. ive made progress, nonetheless.

; you began to wonder why you came.

and something in you died...
- well okay, can we get past stating the obvious now?
so what life is there left in there?
- what life?
anything that would make you want to stay rather than go.
- maybe, just maybe. pain.

2007-08-03T17:39:00.000+08:00

okay. i am in class trying to catch my breath and to restrain myself from killing myself because i just left my planner in the bloody bio lab 2 after environmental sciences today because deb yan caused me to have to hide it lest she should embark on a mission to steal it. and so i am attempting to keep calm because i really really need my planner tomorrow of all freaking days and i really REALLY want to kill myself for forgetting it because like HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN IT. LIKE WTH! AND ITS A FREAKING FRIDAY. FRIDAY DAMMIT. THE BLOODY BEEPING LAB WONT BE OPEN TILL LIKE MONDAY. MONDAY. WHAT I AM I GOING TO DO WITHOUT IT THE NEXT TWO DAYS HUHHUHHUH. MY GOODNESS I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO BRING IT HOME AND I WILL POSITIVELY HATE MYSELF TILL FOREVER FOR FORGETTING. AUGHAUGHAUGHAUGHAUGHAUGHAUGHAUGHAUGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

somebody just kill me please. to put me out of my pain. like. please. PLEASE. T_T

2007-08-02T20:35:00.000+08:00

; to take you down.

work. =.=

ive been too jaded for words recently. and no, i dont quite like it.

cca farewell today. was too lazy to get any pictures taken, thanks. but yes well, nothing much missed. thank you though, juniors (who dont read my blog) for the presents and the games and farewell. christie, in particular. mm.

dina, jingyu, sheena, zeemay, evelyn, regina, hweiming, zhirui, charissa and nikki for a lovely two years in elps.

limmin, jinying, iris, yuchi, stella, eemin, melissa, elisa, dileen, xuean and xinyu for being lovely juniors who smile and say hi in the corridors.

limmin especially. elps prez `08! you go girl! :D

sec1batch, stephanie, denise, jiamin, huiran, hannah, christie, grace and rebecca, all the best in your next four years.

yes. i hope i didnt leave anyone out. and yes thats how small my cca is. compared to the 100++ strength that choir&CO has.

anyway. we made a water purification system today! it was so fun and we kept laughing and screaming at little mistakes we made. and chanyi was so cute! (: but in the morning i was kind of moody and quiet because i was feeling like crap with bad headaches and i was tired coz i hadnt slept enough. i would have skipped school/went into sickbay if it werent for my 'moral conscience' that prevented me from abandoning deb and iamafrog since i hadnt collapsed yet.

i got better later today, though. without the aid of sugar or caffeine.

and mummy treated us to icecream after we had a mini gossip session in the canteen. (: and later she brought food from her cca farewell or something which has HUGE chocolate chips and shared it with us.

yes that's about it. my goodness my blog is like a commentary of my life which is super boring. ngh. i need to get a more interesting life/blog about other stuff.

2007-08-01T19:47:00.000+08:00

and how much would you be able to betray yourself?

hm. im starting to get all sleepy and =.= during environmental science. but i havent fallen asleep in class itself yet. which is really alot of progess in comparison with advanced life sciences back in may when i fell asleep like every class.

my goodness i still haveso much homework i need to do.

and omg rachel's birthday. and addie korkor's. and then cherm's and then glo's. aiyoh. so many august babies sighs.

my aunt's birthday is on 24th aug.

I AM SICK OF BIRTHDAYS. AUGH.

2007-07-31T17:05:00.000+08:00

planning kills me. x(

2007-07-30T21:30:00.000+08:00

thats just like you.

you're always in the limelight without really trying.

thats your life. glamorous. exciting. almost dangerous. even if you dont think so.

maybe i used to think that it hurt so much it could kill me.

i was always wrong. it never hurt enough. and id never destroy myself because of you.

and i said id give it all i can. but can i?

like what she said. fear. of pushing too hard. of suffocating you.
keep in, and suffer in silence.

thats your style too isnt it? but you never suffer. not evidently.

so pin on that tag. we'll take this dance together.
its a struggle to stay alive. a struggle to keep going.
and i'll keep struggling till you loosen your grip on me -
and my knees touch the floor.
for thats when it ends.

im learning to let loose my grip.
im learning to smile through the tears.
im learning to remember, with happiness.
im learning to let go, with love.
im learning to feel pain, that is sweet.

im learning to take the dancefloor without you to hold me up.
im learning life my way of glamourous.
im learning to remember the same steps with you -
with someone else.
though it'll never feel the same.

so is this goodbye?
i dont think so.

just because you're you.
there's that specialness that never goes away

2007-07-30T07:02:00.000+08:00

this world does little besides confusing me. hrm

you broke my heart for the last time;

2007-07-29T18:30:00.000+08:00

~~i'll probably blog more later when my head isnt pounding~~

my head is still pounding, but less.

so this is a shoutout to debbie whom i know doesnt read my blog:

IF I DONT APPEAR IN SCHOOL TOMORROW FOR SABBATS IM TERRIBLY SORRY BABE. it'll probably be because im sick and not because im ponning k!!!

i guess that means i should rest as much as possible before i die right? yes. hrm.

haha life can get fun sometimes. i think i started forgetting that some time ago. -sighs-

-if only it would stay that way.

but ohwell! (:

i dont know what ever made me think you'd be different.
whatever it was,
i was wrong.

2007-07-28T22:21:00.000+08:00

hmv is love! (:

team america : world police is awfully funny!

me and shao and addie sat around watching it after kr. some parts were abit "ERRRR...." and some parts were =.=" and some part were ^_^ .

but we completely understood the M18 rating by the end of the first disc. although the most memorable part is in the second disc. "WE HAVE NO INTELLIGENCE!" when the intelligence system failed.

fun. but okay. i have to study now. more later.

2007-07-27T21:36:00.000+08:00

; have you ever been alone in a crowded room
well im here with you

hmmm. dark blue is nice. although the music video is kind of scary.

anyway. most tests are finally over. math and chinese in week7 so thats quite a fair bit of time to study for.

cross country. I NEED TO RUN IN THE MORNING. my goodness can feel myself growing fat.

i havent had sufficient sleep the past few days. so i should work on getting that the next few days. i fell asleep for awhile in the library today. tsk bad i know. but well.

and i should work on starting revision for end of years. -sighs-

somehow i think i could be putting in alot more effort to alot of things. but im just. not. and i have no idea why im not. it annoys me. undoubtedly. evidently. but well.

our relationship's fighting to stay alive. but not you.

2007-07-27T05:23:00.001+08:00

i really. should. be revising chem.

well anyway at 11 i was completely brain dead and tired. so i asked korkor to give me a call at 1115-1120 to wake me up. i couldnt wake up, of course. surprise surprise. so i woke up at 1245 instead. decided that i was too damn tired. washed up and went to sleep.

and i woke up at 350++ and i was wondering if i should get up at 4 to study. but if i got up at 4 to study my mom would massacre me because its bad for health and all. but i couldnt sleep knowing i hadnt studied enough for chem and so i ended up reading my notes in bed and then falling asleep and deciding to wake up at 5.

sighs. so here i am.

and im going to fail chem.

completely.

2007-07-26T19:14:00.000+08:00

ayee. (:

i guess this is half 'duty' and half coz i guess i want to. coz i try for the things that do.

SAVINGTHECRYINGFLOWERS

alright go join. (:

but of course your applications will be like. filtered and stuff.

but its really for a good cause. and its fun and all. and you get cip hours. (:

so yes.

:D most details are on the blog lah. so go and see. yes. (:

its mainly aimed at sec4s and j1 students. so yeah well.

2007-07-25T19:05:00.000+08:00

-sighs-

i am sad. i lost one of my nice pens today because i fell asleep on the bus.

so tired.

will you remember all the little things i ask
and do them for me always -
even if its painful. even if it hurts.
would you do them all for me, again and again

just because i asked.

some things can only be done by one person for it to feel special.

ohwell. studystudy. ):

2007-07-24T19:08:00.000+08:00

eh. hm. (:

its bio test tomorrow sighs. ):

ohwell. so messed up. and so many things on my mind. sighs.

but well. i guess. (: junyi and shao remain my most trusteeedddd confidants.

shao because. because... because she's just shao. there's no other explanation for it. i always tell her stuff eventually. its something she's quite proud of i think. but i guess maybe with her i also have the assurance that it wont get far on this planet.

junyi because. because he never fails to ask. even if i give a grumpy/emo/cold answer back. i think he kind of lets himself become my punching bag. and he hardly ever complains about that. (:

and so id like to say THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU TWO to them both coz they're always there to listen and give me a hug when i need.

and eli korkor is still my awesomez consultant. and still sticks to his logics. =.= although he's been a good boy and has been mugging recently so he hasnt had time to help meimei much. ): but ohwell.

so THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU TOO korkor! (:

ooooh and addie for also always asking to see if im okay and telling me stuff.

(: and THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU TOO korkor. :D

and everyone else who has been tolerating my sulky mood recently in class. rachel, gloria, deb, etcetc. SORRY and I LOVE YOU GUYS TOO K! :DDDD

i falter between being happy, feeling at peace and feeling like i want to dao the world till i die. but mostly it just a peaceful quiet feeling. although sometimes it feels like im locking myself up in my own world and trying to block others out because when im feeling peacefully quiet i dont like talking to people much. happy moments though, last about 5 minutes at most everytime i feel it. but thats okay. coz my grumpy moments dont last that long either.

i got severe gastric pains today that started in the middle of SIL and ended after chinese remedial. which means about 3 hours or so. of excruciating pain. i had to sleep through IH to try to get over the pain. but everytime i woke up and sat there for like 5 minutes the pain would come back. and i could barely walk during recess. but i managed to limp upstairs thank goodness. and while i was going upstairs i had to rest like three times because it was so painful i couldnt walk.

and i REALLY DID EAT OKAY. ask rachel.

sighs. ohwell.

2007-07-23T19:33:00.000+08:00

should be a weight off my mind that piano exm is finally over and done with. and i guess i do feel abit more at ease. but.

i feel. terrified. because i just have this feeling i didnt do very well..

sighs. im just hoping i'll forget about it sooner or later till i have to face the results when they come back. but ohwell. sighs. SIGHS.

three consecutive days of tests coming up. and something im completely unsure of.

ohwell. I'LL GET PAST IT. somehow.

2007-07-22T21:03:00.000+08:00

... -bites lip-

OUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. stupidstupid blister on my foot is hurting like crap. augh.

AUGH. painpainpainpainpain. T_T

okay. so should i skip school completely tomorrow. or just half a day of?

hmmm.

i dont see myself running in the morning very much this week. because like.
1. i have exams 4/5 days. sit around to study. :(
2. BLISTERRRR. T_T
3. my big aunt is being quite. selectively merciless. and i dont want to take the risk just in case i end up not appearing at assembly and you guys have to go looking for me around school.

but i figure i ought to run because
1. i want to maintain my abs. like. VERY VERY MUCH.
2. i'll grow fat.
3. x-country. sighs.

ngh. i guess i'll run in the evening at home or something if i see the need. but on friday morning i'll run. i promise (myself). unless its raining cats and dogs. eh but wait. friday is when the taf people run. ngh. NGH. we'll see, then. -sighs- i predict an unproductive week.

2007-07-22T16:45:00.000+08:00

so emo. eek.

anyway. big aunt came. and since tomorrow is second day of her arrival as well as piano exam as well as a very big red foot blister, i shall refrain from running in the morning.

and i should also stop being so pms-y.

im really really really worried about piano. which is probably why im going to practice like some more later. i am going to FAIL sight reading. barely pass aural. and fail everything else.

okay touch wood.

but i have no confidence at all and im panicking too much sighs.

and i should get to work instead of drawingg. ugh.

okay -out.

2007-07-21T22:07:00.000+08:00

i. completely. need. to calm down.

my. goodness. what is wrong with me. sighs. i couldnt play my scales properly at all during masterclass today because i suddenly freaked out and tensed up completely. as in. whole body tense. which shouldnt be the case.

(at most only my hands tense up right.)

but no. i tensed up completely. and its not even exam yet. just. MASTERCLASS. like. wth.

goodness.

anyway. kr was quite... quiet. i guess. the kids can write their alphabets. T_T

yes but anyway after that me and gloria and shao stayed and did some work preparations, file assessments, and random drawing. and then after gloria left for cat class shao and i just drew and drew till like 530. and then she came for dinner with me.

PIZZA HUT! and we talked about a wholee lot of stuff too. some stuff that freaked her out some that made her wonder. and then some that made me laugh.

we went back four times for the soup and only got it on the fourth time. 1st attempt - the lady said they were refilling so we should wait. 2nd attempt - was mushroom soup. which makes you very full because its so thick. and the other pot was missing so we decided to wait. 3rd attempt - the other pot was taking too long to come so i said we might as well go get it. and then they ran out of soup. heh. 4th and final attempt - immediately after they refilled. summer vegetable. which is so much better. :D and crisscross fries and regular chicken pizza thing.

and then she accompanied me up and we looked at guitars in my music school. there was one orange one with flames on it which was so awfully pretty! there were no completely black ones though. hmmm. ): and there was a flashy dark red one in the window. oh. and a dark blue drum set which cost like $1100. a piano costs more, i think. but the drum set is so devastatingly pretty sitting in the window.

i wonder what i ought to do when i finish piano g8 though. (that is, if i pass in the first place.) maybe learn another instrument or something. likelike... uh. THE BAGPIPE. or something. (: not guitar because i know i can just ask shao or lyn or char teach me. deb would spaz at me after 5 minutes. but ohwell. WE'LL SEE. the harp is cool. but well. ANY SUGGESTIONS ANYONE? i just know im definitely NOT going to do diploma for piano. cannot take it anymore plz. T_T

i find the ending for harry potter so. gross. seriously. SERIOUSLY. ew. im disappointed. like. completely. ew.